This post is very, very long. Probably the longest one I've ever written. Take your time. Basically this is a brief (compared to what I could write) description about what music means to me and my opinions about it.
I'll start back when I was 12. I was taking drum lessons from a high schooler who lived nearby, and one day we sat down by his computer in hopes of helping him discern what kind of music I liked. Every genre he tried to show me came up with a response like, "I don't know...it's kind of cool, I guess." The best description he could get out of me pertaining to the kind of music I liked was that I enjoyed music that made me feel good while riding in the car and looking out the window. The concept that I didn't know what kind of music I liked was totally alien to him, as it is to me now.
Music didn't really start to become a part of me until high school. The main thing that started me developing attitudes and opinions about music was my job at Little Caesar's during my senior year. I absolutely loved that job and all the people I worked with, but my one complaint (minor, really) was the music they listened to. About 90% of it was rap and/or pop, and what's worse, it was on stations that overplayed the music to a bloody pulp (I swear they just cycled the same 10 songs all day). I developed an extensive bias against these genres and the radio in general (specifically Movin' 100.7 and 97.1 ZHT). I came to view this music as unintelligent, crude, talent-starved, and worthless. Granted, much of it was, but the attitude I formed was that it was the nature of the genre that was responsible for these flaws, not the individual artists (although I hated them too). I couldn't seem to entertain the possibility that rap could ever be "quality music", or even music at all. Gimmicks like Autotune (which I still do and always will dislike) only made it worse.
During this period of being engulfed in music that I found distasteful, my natural instinct was to desperately search for what I thought was "quality music", and I did. Over time, I formed strong opinions about what was and what was not well-produced music, and that was ultimately when music started to become a part of me. I came to enjoy certain songs or bands so much that I felt personally insulted when I found that another person disliked them. I considered my music an extension of my personality, and if somebody messed with my music, they messed with me (which led to a lot of really awkward arguments). I considered myself to be exceptionally gifted in the art of analyzing music, and while this may have been a bias in itself, it wasn't the real problem. I used this so-called talent to justify my attitude that what I liked must have been good music, and what I didn't like must have been poor or low-quality music. I didn't care how many people liked Taylor Swift's "Love Story"; I hated it, so it was clearly not good music. I even started asserting that people who like music I disliked didn't know what they were talking about and simply had no idea what good music really was. I had a hard time stopping myself from instantly judging people based on what kind of music they like. It was getting out of control.
Luckily, I got some help. One night, as I was particularly fed up with rap and pop, I posted a conceited note on Facebook outlining my bold, brutally "honest", lampooning criticism of all the musical "artists" I hated the most. I expected objections, but only from those who I labeled as "unable to judge what quality music really is". Unexpectedly, the most slamming and intelligent rebuttals I received were from two of my friends I respected most in the musical world: Andrew Jensen and Jack Barton. Both provided excellent arguments against my biased and uneducated opinions, and it completely disarmed me. I can't say I instantly and completely reconstructed my views on the issue, but it started me on the road to recovery.
Now I judge music differently, largely in connection with the more psychological components like memory consolidation and emotional content. This has come with the realization that the music I listen to, the experiences I have, and the people I associate with become connected. The memory portion of this connection has impacted my life in two main ways.
First, the way that music orchestrates the mood for how I remember experiences and events in my life, and the person I was at the time. To explain this, I'll use what I call musical progression. In junior high, I liked Styx and Jon Schmidt (among other things). Now, I don't like them so much any more. Often I express it as "graduating" from a musical artist: I have "graduated" from Styx and Jon Schmidt and moved on to "better"but similar artists such as Rush and William Joseph. I don't know if this is because Rush and William Joseph are actually better musicians than Styx and Jon Schmidt, or if it's that I view myself as a better person now and I just happen to be involved with Rush and William Joseph at the time. Another thing I've noticed (as I think many other people have) is that Styx, Jon Schmidt, and other artists call back memories of things I did during the time periods I was listening to their music. For example, Styx always reminds me of Scout campouts, because I was participating in them at the time I enjoyed Styx. Jon Schmidt makes me think of youth conferences, Basshunter makes me think of high school dances, Thomas Newman makes me think of long road trips, and many other examples. In a very big way, music sets the stage for our lives.
Second, the way music influences my relationships and experiences with people. This often happens simultaneously with life experiences, although I believe the connection with people is stronger. When people introduce me to new music, I instantly and unconsciously associate that music with memories of them. For instance, I can't listen to Foreigner without thinking of Jeff Jenkins, I can't listen to Relient K, Owl City, or Taylor Swift without thinking of Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, and Amanda Hixon, I can't listen to Basshunter, Bond, or E.S. Posthumus without thinking of Nathan Merrill, I can't listen to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack without thinking of Sarah Johnson, I can't listen to the August Rush soundtrack without thinking of my older brother Michael, I can't listen to the Tarzan soundtrack or any of Phil Collins' music without thinking of my younger sister Julia, and I can't listen to the Lion King soundtrack without thinking of the amazing people I was able to be involved with during the Spring Sing. I could go on for days. Music has a mutual relationship with the people I associate with. That bond is even stronger when I like both the music and the people, but in some cases the abundance of one can make up for the lack of the other. If I don't particularly like a person, but I find that our musical tastes are similar, I find the person more appealing. If I don't like a particular song, but a good number of my close friends like it, the song grows on me (which I didn't realize until "Hey Soul Sister" by Train came out). But when both components are present, the bond becomes incredibly strong. I've always sort of liked the Lion King soundtrack, but once the Spring Sing happened, it's grown to become some of my most favorite and beloved music I've ever listened to. I sort of liked the people who were in the Spring Sing all along, but afterwards, my love for the music expanded my love for them, and now I consider all of them close friends.
Music has a power for uniting people, resolving differences, forming lasting memories, healing, feeling, and so many other things. I can't even begin to describe how much music has influenced my personality and my life with others, but I am eternally grateful for the situations it's put me in. I truly believe music is a God-given gift, and I cannot fathom the ingenuity of its invention. Music will always be an inseparable part of who I am, and I fear to think of who I might have been without it.
Music is memory. Music is emotion. Music is power.
Music is LIFE.
Metamorphose
Monday, May 3, 2010
Do-over
Ha. This one is actually relatively short.
Lately I've been having very realistic and vivid dreams about experiences I've had in college. I hate them. I hate them because they're wonderful, and they continually remind me of everything I miss about college. The other night, I had the most amazing and therefore mockingly malicious dream yet. I dreamed that I went back in time to the first day of college. The worst thing wasn't what I actually did in the dream; in fact, that part of it was quite irrelevant (except the ward social part). The thing I hated the most (after I awoke, that is) was that I was there again, with all the knowledge, experiences, and memories from my life at BYU. I attended the ward opening social, which was painful for two reasons. First, I never attended the social in real life. Second, I already knew EVERYONE. I wanted to much to grab someone by the shoulders and say, "You are AMAZING! I know and love you like family and I want to spend as much time as I can with each and every one of you." Of course, this would have been pretty creepy and disturbing, so I didn't. When I went back home, I reflected on the fantastic situation I was in. I could participate in all the ward activities I had missed, and relive with joy the ones I already had. I could spend more time with my friends, serve more, date more, live more instead of spending lonely Saturdays watching Cosmos and TED talks on my laptop. And then the most beautiful (and later torturous) part of the dream came. I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord in endless gratitude for the marvelous opportunity I had been blessed with. I thanked Him that I could have a chance to do it right this time, and not waste time thinking about my welfare. I looked forward with boundless excitement to the world of possibilities before me.
And then I woke up. I realized with regret that the reality I had just left wasn't reality after all. I wished that I could be back there, to have the ability to navigate the constant, unidirectional stream we know as time. I almost felt like I deserved the right to fix my mistakes and give more of myself to others at the expense of the space-time continuum, but then I remembered. We don't deserve anything. We're already deeply in debt as it is. I could make all kinds of hackneyed phrases about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, or cliched assertions that I won't take anything for granted. Heck, it's probably even cliched now to say that it's cliched. I don't know what I could say know that hasn't already been said about this, but I learned my lesson. For the rest of you, I'll just end with a quote from Calvin & Hobbes:
"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"
Lately I've been having very realistic and vivid dreams about experiences I've had in college. I hate them. I hate them because they're wonderful, and they continually remind me of everything I miss about college. The other night, I had the most amazing and therefore mockingly malicious dream yet. I dreamed that I went back in time to the first day of college. The worst thing wasn't what I actually did in the dream; in fact, that part of it was quite irrelevant (except the ward social part). The thing I hated the most (after I awoke, that is) was that I was there again, with all the knowledge, experiences, and memories from my life at BYU. I attended the ward opening social, which was painful for two reasons. First, I never attended the social in real life. Second, I already knew EVERYONE. I wanted to much to grab someone by the shoulders and say, "You are AMAZING! I know and love you like family and I want to spend as much time as I can with each and every one of you." Of course, this would have been pretty creepy and disturbing, so I didn't. When I went back home, I reflected on the fantastic situation I was in. I could participate in all the ward activities I had missed, and relive with joy the ones I already had. I could spend more time with my friends, serve more, date more, live more instead of spending lonely Saturdays watching Cosmos and TED talks on my laptop. And then the most beautiful (and later torturous) part of the dream came. I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord in endless gratitude for the marvelous opportunity I had been blessed with. I thanked Him that I could have a chance to do it right this time, and not waste time thinking about my welfare. I looked forward with boundless excitement to the world of possibilities before me.
And then I woke up. I realized with regret that the reality I had just left wasn't reality after all. I wished that I could be back there, to have the ability to navigate the constant, unidirectional stream we know as time. I almost felt like I deserved the right to fix my mistakes and give more of myself to others at the expense of the space-time continuum, but then I remembered. We don't deserve anything. We're already deeply in debt as it is. I could make all kinds of hackneyed phrases about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, or cliched assertions that I won't take anything for granted. Heck, it's probably even cliched now to say that it's cliched. I don't know what I could say know that hasn't already been said about this, but I learned my lesson. For the rest of you, I'll just end with a quote from Calvin & Hobbes:
"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"
Intrinsic motivation
This is something that I wrote a while ago, and I just rediscovered it in my journal. It was during my senior year, some time after I learned about extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation in psychology. I reflected on what sort of motivation I had, what sort of motivation I wanted to have, and the true nature of each in the spiritual sense. This was the result.
"There are two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is based on rewards. In other words, I work had in school because I know I will be rewarded with success in life. I do my chores because I will rewarded with satisfied parents and a clean household. Or, in a truer, bigger, and harsher sense, I do what's right because I will be rewarded with eternal life. A reward is anything that gives one pleasure in varying strength. Therefore, the strength of the extrinsic motivation is dependent on the strength of the reward. For example, suppose student A does his homework because he wants to get into a good college. Student B gets paid $10 for every A grade. Ignoring other things, Student B is more likely to be extrinsically motivated because the reward is consistent, expected, and predictable. Extrinsic motivation is nothing without the promise of a reward. If I buy a meal for a homeless person, I expect to either feel good for my service, be congratulated by my peers, or know that I have made the world a better place. However, if I don't care at all about the homeless person, my friends' approval, or the state of the world, I could very well save that hobo's life and feel nothing. You have to care about your rewards, and if you care nothing for a potential reward, it is not a reward to you. Concern is like emotional pleasure. If you had no concern for anything, it would be like eating a cookie, tasting it, but having no feeling of pleasure from the taste of that cookie. A lack of concern is like the organ without the brain; that organ may be sending messages, but if the brain does not discriminate between good and bad messages or pleasurable/not pleasurable messages, no change occurs. Fortunately, everybody cares about something, and that makes rewards, and, by extension, extrinsic motivation universally effective. Extrinsic motivation is entirely received; some stimulus occurs outside of yourself that gives you pleasure. If not for the stimulus, there would be no pleasure, no reward, and no extrinsic motivation. With extrinsic motivation, all you need is the reward. I don't have to want to do any homework as long as I am promised that I will get good grades.
"Intrinsic motivation is more difficult. People who run on intrinsic motivation do not receive an award from anyone--"
I stopped here, probably because it was late and I had to get to bed. I wondered over the next couple of days whether intrinsic motivation was truly possible, because it seemed like I didn't have any. The spiritual side of my dilemma made me even more confused, and this paradox is illustrated in my next entry:
"I begin with the question: Does intrinsic motivation exist? Intrinsic motivation is a feeling of pleasure or fulfillment that comes entirely from ourselves. Or does it? When we experience pleasure or fulfillment, that feeling either comes from God or ourselves. If God gives us that feeling, either it is sent to us or something within our bodies and/or spirits was created to experience that feeling when something happened. It seems for now that I am forced to conclude that either intrinsic motivation does not exist (because every feeling of pleasure is given to us) or that people create pleasure for themselves outside of God. Neither of these things seem possible, nor do I want to believe them. I know that the only thing we have to offer is our will, because everything else was originally given to us in the first place and therefore would be of no value to God if it was returned. Our will is our only gift to God, but if He did not give it to us, who did? Who made it? How did it come into being--"
Again I was unable to continue, this time because the prospect opened up a whole new dimension of thinking to me that I couldn't handle all at once. I was mainly confused about who I really was, and it took me a while to reconcile this confusion. A few days later, this is what I came up with:
"You have something of your own. God made you, yes, but there is some part of you that is completely and entirely unique, something that existed long before you had a consciousness. If every aspect of your personality was created, you would essentially not have existed as an intelligence. Because you did, you know that there is a 'you' that existed before you even gained a spirit. This is what makes true and pure intrinsic motivation possible, because God's feelings of pleasure that we receive are not entirely manufactured externally. We receive the internal comfort that the Spirit provides, but as beautiful and amazing that feeling is, it still came from God and thus can be classified as extrinsic motivation in a way. But it is not entirely that way. The Holy Spirit, in its workings, also activates the inner spirit, the self of self that lives far within us. Thus it becomes true intrinsic motivation because you are creating something that you love. You are driving yourself to spiritual perfection. Why is this component important? Because without it, God would essentially be programming a person to see how it would 'run' on earth. It would be a cruel God that gave people damning traits; that is, giving people attributes that would lead to their downfall by direct causation. God knows, as I now know, that there is a part of you that is completely independent of who He created your spirit to be. You are not just a formula for creation. God did not put you on the earth just to be who He expected you to be, because there would be no conflict that way. He knew your future only because He had seen it. He did know every part of you, but He also knew that there was a part he could have no control over in creation or maintenance. This is commonly known as free will. No matter how hardwired your personality may be to follow certain behavior patterns, you can always override that. The only bulwark that can stand against the flood of God's will is human agency, a fact that is as tragic as it is necessary for learning."
The last part of this, of course, is only possible because God chose to include human agency in the plan of salvation, but it is still true. The last part of this entry was written to myself, but I believe it can apply to everyone.
"You thought that there were only two options: one, that there is no such thing as intrinsic motivation because every good thing or feeling came from God, or two, that intrinsic motivation came from a force other than God. Neither of these you wanted to believe, but I invite you now, as has happened to often for you in the past, to connect successfully two contradictory notions. The feeling of the Spirit is a harmony of God's confirmation and your inner self, which of course you do not know much of yet. Intrinsic motivation both does and does not exist. Pleasure, true fulfillment, both does and does not come from God. But pure intrinsic motivation occurs when and only when the will of the individual is parallel to the will of God, because that is when the sweet tones of eternity all align to form one euphonic chord of the infinitum."
"There are two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is based on rewards. In other words, I work had in school because I know I will be rewarded with success in life. I do my chores because I will rewarded with satisfied parents and a clean household. Or, in a truer, bigger, and harsher sense, I do what's right because I will be rewarded with eternal life. A reward is anything that gives one pleasure in varying strength. Therefore, the strength of the extrinsic motivation is dependent on the strength of the reward. For example, suppose student A does his homework because he wants to get into a good college. Student B gets paid $10 for every A grade. Ignoring other things, Student B is more likely to be extrinsically motivated because the reward is consistent, expected, and predictable. Extrinsic motivation is nothing without the promise of a reward. If I buy a meal for a homeless person, I expect to either feel good for my service, be congratulated by my peers, or know that I have made the world a better place. However, if I don't care at all about the homeless person, my friends' approval, or the state of the world, I could very well save that hobo's life and feel nothing. You have to care about your rewards, and if you care nothing for a potential reward, it is not a reward to you. Concern is like emotional pleasure. If you had no concern for anything, it would be like eating a cookie, tasting it, but having no feeling of pleasure from the taste of that cookie. A lack of concern is like the organ without the brain; that organ may be sending messages, but if the brain does not discriminate between good and bad messages or pleasurable/not pleasurable messages, no change occurs. Fortunately, everybody cares about something, and that makes rewards, and, by extension, extrinsic motivation universally effective. Extrinsic motivation is entirely received; some stimulus occurs outside of yourself that gives you pleasure. If not for the stimulus, there would be no pleasure, no reward, and no extrinsic motivation. With extrinsic motivation, all you need is the reward. I don't have to want to do any homework as long as I am promised that I will get good grades.
"Intrinsic motivation is more difficult. People who run on intrinsic motivation do not receive an award from anyone--"
I stopped here, probably because it was late and I had to get to bed. I wondered over the next couple of days whether intrinsic motivation was truly possible, because it seemed like I didn't have any. The spiritual side of my dilemma made me even more confused, and this paradox is illustrated in my next entry:
"I begin with the question: Does intrinsic motivation exist? Intrinsic motivation is a feeling of pleasure or fulfillment that comes entirely from ourselves. Or does it? When we experience pleasure or fulfillment, that feeling either comes from God or ourselves. If God gives us that feeling, either it is sent to us or something within our bodies and/or spirits was created to experience that feeling when something happened. It seems for now that I am forced to conclude that either intrinsic motivation does not exist (because every feeling of pleasure is given to us) or that people create pleasure for themselves outside of God. Neither of these things seem possible, nor do I want to believe them. I know that the only thing we have to offer is our will, because everything else was originally given to us in the first place and therefore would be of no value to God if it was returned. Our will is our only gift to God, but if He did not give it to us, who did? Who made it? How did it come into being--"
Again I was unable to continue, this time because the prospect opened up a whole new dimension of thinking to me that I couldn't handle all at once. I was mainly confused about who I really was, and it took me a while to reconcile this confusion. A few days later, this is what I came up with:
"You have something of your own. God made you, yes, but there is some part of you that is completely and entirely unique, something that existed long before you had a consciousness. If every aspect of your personality was created, you would essentially not have existed as an intelligence. Because you did, you know that there is a 'you' that existed before you even gained a spirit. This is what makes true and pure intrinsic motivation possible, because God's feelings of pleasure that we receive are not entirely manufactured externally. We receive the internal comfort that the Spirit provides, but as beautiful and amazing that feeling is, it still came from God and thus can be classified as extrinsic motivation in a way. But it is not entirely that way. The Holy Spirit, in its workings, also activates the inner spirit, the self of self that lives far within us. Thus it becomes true intrinsic motivation because you are creating something that you love. You are driving yourself to spiritual perfection. Why is this component important? Because without it, God would essentially be programming a person to see how it would 'run' on earth. It would be a cruel God that gave people damning traits; that is, giving people attributes that would lead to their downfall by direct causation. God knows, as I now know, that there is a part of you that is completely independent of who He created your spirit to be. You are not just a formula for creation. God did not put you on the earth just to be who He expected you to be, because there would be no conflict that way. He knew your future only because He had seen it. He did know every part of you, but He also knew that there was a part he could have no control over in creation or maintenance. This is commonly known as free will. No matter how hardwired your personality may be to follow certain behavior patterns, you can always override that. The only bulwark that can stand against the flood of God's will is human agency, a fact that is as tragic as it is necessary for learning."
The last part of this, of course, is only possible because God chose to include human agency in the plan of salvation, but it is still true. The last part of this entry was written to myself, but I believe it can apply to everyone.
"You thought that there were only two options: one, that there is no such thing as intrinsic motivation because every good thing or feeling came from God, or two, that intrinsic motivation came from a force other than God. Neither of these you wanted to believe, but I invite you now, as has happened to often for you in the past, to connect successfully two contradictory notions. The feeling of the Spirit is a harmony of God's confirmation and your inner self, which of course you do not know much of yet. Intrinsic motivation both does and does not exist. Pleasure, true fulfillment, both does and does not come from God. But pure intrinsic motivation occurs when and only when the will of the individual is parallel to the will of God, because that is when the sweet tones of eternity all align to form one euphonic chord of the infinitum."
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