Today (when I wrote this) is my nineteenth birthday. Or, was. I had a spectacular day, filled with spending time with friends, making and eating my birthday Jell-o cake (chocolate cake with cherry-flavored Jell-o, the best kind), finishing the last of my "Movies to watch before I leave" list, and watching my favorite movie, the Lion King (Yep, it's not just my favorite Disney movie anymore. I finally caved in and decided it should hold that place. It deserves it. Mostly because of how special it became for me in college...and the epic music by Hans Zimmer. The music wins EVERYTHING.), as a sort of final hurrah to the life I used to lead. And I don't regret it. I'm going on to what I truly hope and believe will be one of the best and most fulfilling times of my life. Which, for those who don't know--if there are any--will be serving as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as the LDS or Mormon church, in the Alabama Birmingham mission speaking English for a period of 24 months beginning Wednesday, July 14th. Tomorrow. Aagh. And, for those who don't know what I'm about to tell you (which is probably a significantly larger number than before), here is why.
First, I feel that I should serve a mission. The leaders of my church have strongly encouraged all young men of my age and worthiness to do so, and I am no exception. But that alone would not be reason enough to embark on a two-year journey such as this. I feel duty bound to do this because I know that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ came to this earth to suffer for our sins and die for us so that we could be saved from sin ourselves. I know that He was resurrected so that we, too, could partake of the boundless glory that comes with the reuniting of body and spirit after death. I know that He gave everything He had and everything He was in the garden of Gethsemane to truly take upon Himself the pains and sorrows of all men. The fact that my Brother gave more than I could ever comprehend compels me to serve Him in an attempt to repay what He has done for me and for everyone. I know that He led a church when he was physically on the earth. I know that church and the fullness of the gospel left the earth for a period of time we call the Apostasy, due to the loss of authority and true doctrine carried on by his apostles that, because it was not passed on to another, was withdrawn for a time with their deaths. I know that, after this apostasy, the gospel in its entirety was restored through the prophet Joseph Smith. I know that this is His same church that existed on the earth when He walked among men, for it bears his name: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That is one way I am trying to repay him: by serving a full-time mission for His church in an effort to bring souls to Him.
Second, I want to. The knowledge of God's love and devotion to His children gives me a desire to develop that same love for them and for His gospel, and I know that a mission is a great way to do that. I know that a mission is a great way to develop skills, traits, and general growth that will be immensely beneficial in all aspects of my life. I know that it will make me a better person if I let it. But most of all, I want to do this because I love Him. I love His teachings and His gospel. I love that he restored the fullness of the gospel and brought forth the Book of Mormon (which I also love) to testify of his Son, Jesus Christ (whom I also love), in our day and to tell of the wonderful blessings we can receive if we are repentant and keep the commandments. I love that I was born and raised in the gospel in a country where I am free to live it to the fullest extent. I love all that the Lord has taught me and I continually hunger and thirst for more of His glorious gospel. And when you love something that much, you can't just keep it to yourself. You have to tell it to the world (or, in my case, Birmingham, Alabama).
Finally, I need to. I know it's not technically commanded of us specifically to serve a full-time mission, but according to D&C 88:81-82, we are commanded to share the gospel with others if we have received it for ourselves. I just think that this is the best way for me to fulfill this commandment at this time. Sure, I've sacrificed a lot of money paying for my clothes and luggage and other necessities, and I'm sure I will sacrifice my time, sanity, and more when I'm in Alabama. But I know I'll receive great blessings for it. And, if nothing else, it's nothing compared to what Jesus Christ sacrificed for us. Everything I give will just be a drop in the pond compared to the flood of mercy He has covered us with. And sacrifice isn't really losing something, anyway. It's giving up something good for something better. And I have full confidence that, even though I'm saying goodbye for two years to something good, at 12:45 on Wednesday, July 14th, I'll be starting into something better.
And I'm not looking back.
Actually, that's not entirely true. That was just my cheesy, storybook ending to all this. I'll still keep in touch and write letters and stuff.
But, you know.
Metamorphose
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fasting with a purpose
I want to write about an experience I had which strengthened my testimony of fasting. One Sunday a few weeks ago, I fasted to have a greater sensitivity to missionary opportunities and the courage to take advantage of them. The next day, I definitely noticed the difference. I was at work with my coworkers Janet (who is a member of the church) and Rick (who isn't). Yes, I changed the names. Out of the blue, Rick randomly started talking about how he thought it was unfair that Mormon missionaries should have to pay for their own missions. He said a few other things, and in the course of this discussion he found out that I was soon leaving for a mission (and I found out that he didn't know that previously). He didn't apologize for what he said, but he stopped talking badly about the prospect of a mission. I found out that he had been LDS and had entertained the possibility of going on a mission (however briefly) long ago. He still goes to church (whether LDS or not, I'm not sure). I also overheard Rebecca mention to Sam that she knew he wasn't LDS, which I didn't know before, either.
On the way home from work, I evaluated my relationship with every one of my coworkers, their relationship with religion/the gospel, and possible ways I could share the gospel with them. While doing this, I realized just how blessed I was to have my eyes opened to their situations. Rick's random mentioning of a mission was completely unexpected, and I doubt that it would have happened if I didn't fast for it. I saw a difference in myself of a heightened spiritual awareness of who these people were and how I could help them.
I decided that it's not enough just for everyone to know that I am a Mormon. I want to be more than just a good example or the guy that his coworkers don't swear around. I'm going to be a full-time missionary in a little over a month (at the time I wrote this), and it's time I start acting like it. God doesn't want me to be just a good example, a good worker, or a good all-around person. Being good people isn't what sets us apart from the rest of the world. Being hard workers isn't what makes us the unique, "peculiar people" described in the Bible. There are many Mormons who are not good people or hard workers, and vice versa. What really makes us different is our love for Jesus Christ, His Atonement, God's plan of happiness, and (most importantly) the gospel restored by Joseph Smith to this earth with all its teachings, ordinances, and priesthoods. There's a popular saying in the church that goes something like this: "You may be the only scriptures some people ever read, the only church some people go to, the only connection some people have with God". Well, that's all fine and good, but why not take it a step further? Why not show them the real scriptures, the real church, the real God clear as crystal instead of through the clouded and imperfect lens of your own human nature? As Brother Christiansen would say in his mission prep class, "You're just a stupid 19-year-old. Why should anyone believe you?"
Real missionary work isn't just being the kind of person that nonmembers or inactive members want to be like, because that does almost nothing in the way of conversion (although sometimes that's all you can do). Even if we have role models that we view as respectable, honorable people, they are still imperfect and can fail us. Almost anything or anyone can fail us, except for three holy Beings. We call them the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Those are the things that change us. And unless you access the testimony-bearing powers of the Holy Ghost through scripture, service, love, testimony, or any other method, you won't change anything or anyone. And if being a good example is all you can do, let it be in the name of Christ, not to satisfy your own pride or desires. But if you have the opportunity to take your missionary work a step higher, DO IT. The more direct connection they can have with God, the better. The less there is of you, the better. You are only an instrument to lead people to God, because without Him, you are nothing. Worthless. Dead. But if we align our will with His and work with Him to bring others into the church, that is when missionary work truly happens. That is true conversion.
People don't change hearts. God changes hearts.
So can't we just get out of the way and let Him in?
On the way home from work, I evaluated my relationship with every one of my coworkers, their relationship with religion/the gospel, and possible ways I could share the gospel with them. While doing this, I realized just how blessed I was to have my eyes opened to their situations. Rick's random mentioning of a mission was completely unexpected, and I doubt that it would have happened if I didn't fast for it. I saw a difference in myself of a heightened spiritual awareness of who these people were and how I could help them.
I decided that it's not enough just for everyone to know that I am a Mormon. I want to be more than just a good example or the guy that his coworkers don't swear around. I'm going to be a full-time missionary in a little over a month (at the time I wrote this), and it's time I start acting like it. God doesn't want me to be just a good example, a good worker, or a good all-around person. Being good people isn't what sets us apart from the rest of the world. Being hard workers isn't what makes us the unique, "peculiar people" described in the Bible. There are many Mormons who are not good people or hard workers, and vice versa. What really makes us different is our love for Jesus Christ, His Atonement, God's plan of happiness, and (most importantly) the gospel restored by Joseph Smith to this earth with all its teachings, ordinances, and priesthoods. There's a popular saying in the church that goes something like this: "You may be the only scriptures some people ever read, the only church some people go to, the only connection some people have with God". Well, that's all fine and good, but why not take it a step further? Why not show them the real scriptures, the real church, the real God clear as crystal instead of through the clouded and imperfect lens of your own human nature? As Brother Christiansen would say in his mission prep class, "You're just a stupid 19-year-old. Why should anyone believe you?"
Real missionary work isn't just being the kind of person that nonmembers or inactive members want to be like, because that does almost nothing in the way of conversion (although sometimes that's all you can do). Even if we have role models that we view as respectable, honorable people, they are still imperfect and can fail us. Almost anything or anyone can fail us, except for three holy Beings. We call them the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Those are the things that change us. And unless you access the testimony-bearing powers of the Holy Ghost through scripture, service, love, testimony, or any other method, you won't change anything or anyone. And if being a good example is all you can do, let it be in the name of Christ, not to satisfy your own pride or desires. But if you have the opportunity to take your missionary work a step higher, DO IT. The more direct connection they can have with God, the better. The less there is of you, the better. You are only an instrument to lead people to God, because without Him, you are nothing. Worthless. Dead. But if we align our will with His and work with Him to bring others into the church, that is when missionary work truly happens. That is true conversion.
People don't change hearts. God changes hearts.
So can't we just get out of the way and let Him in?
Monday, May 3, 2010
Music is memory, emotion, life (or: Music according to Dallin Dressman)
This post is very, very long. Probably the longest one I've ever written. Take your time. Basically this is a brief (compared to what I could write) description about what music means to me and my opinions about it.
I'll start back when I was 12. I was taking drum lessons from a high schooler who lived nearby, and one day we sat down by his computer in hopes of helping him discern what kind of music I liked. Every genre he tried to show me came up with a response like, "I don't know...it's kind of cool, I guess." The best description he could get out of me pertaining to the kind of music I liked was that I enjoyed music that made me feel good while riding in the car and looking out the window. The concept that I didn't know what kind of music I liked was totally alien to him, as it is to me now.
Music didn't really start to become a part of me until high school. The main thing that started me developing attitudes and opinions about music was my job at Little Caesar's during my senior year. I absolutely loved that job and all the people I worked with, but my one complaint (minor, really) was the music they listened to. About 90% of it was rap and/or pop, and what's worse, it was on stations that overplayed the music to a bloody pulp (I swear they just cycled the same 10 songs all day). I developed an extensive bias against these genres and the radio in general (specifically Movin' 100.7 and 97.1 ZHT). I came to view this music as unintelligent, crude, talent-starved, and worthless. Granted, much of it was, but the attitude I formed was that it was the nature of the genre that was responsible for these flaws, not the individual artists (although I hated them too). I couldn't seem to entertain the possibility that rap could ever be "quality music", or even music at all. Gimmicks like Autotune (which I still do and always will dislike) only made it worse.
During this period of being engulfed in music that I found distasteful, my natural instinct was to desperately search for what I thought was "quality music", and I did. Over time, I formed strong opinions about what was and what was not well-produced music, and that was ultimately when music started to become a part of me. I came to enjoy certain songs or bands so much that I felt personally insulted when I found that another person disliked them. I considered my music an extension of my personality, and if somebody messed with my music, they messed with me (which led to a lot of really awkward arguments). I considered myself to be exceptionally gifted in the art of analyzing music, and while this may have been a bias in itself, it wasn't the real problem. I used this so-called talent to justify my attitude that what I liked must have been good music, and what I didn't like must have been poor or low-quality music. I didn't care how many people liked Taylor Swift's "Love Story"; I hated it, so it was clearly not good music. I even started asserting that people who like music I disliked didn't know what they were talking about and simply had no idea what good music really was. I had a hard time stopping myself from instantly judging people based on what kind of music they like. It was getting out of control.
Luckily, I got some help. One night, as I was particularly fed up with rap and pop, I posted a conceited note on Facebook outlining my bold, brutally "honest", lampooning criticism of all the musical "artists" I hated the most. I expected objections, but only from those who I labeled as "unable to judge what quality music really is". Unexpectedly, the most slamming and intelligent rebuttals I received were from two of my friends I respected most in the musical world: Andrew Jensen and Jack Barton. Both provided excellent arguments against my biased and uneducated opinions, and it completely disarmed me. I can't say I instantly and completely reconstructed my views on the issue, but it started me on the road to recovery.
Now I judge music differently, largely in connection with the more psychological components like memory consolidation and emotional content. This has come with the realization that the music I listen to, the experiences I have, and the people I associate with become connected. The memory portion of this connection has impacted my life in two main ways.
First, the way that music orchestrates the mood for how I remember experiences and events in my life, and the person I was at the time. To explain this, I'll use what I call musical progression. In junior high, I liked Styx and Jon Schmidt (among other things). Now, I don't like them so much any more. Often I express it as "graduating" from a musical artist: I have "graduated" from Styx and Jon Schmidt and moved on to "better"but similar artists such as Rush and William Joseph. I don't know if this is because Rush and William Joseph are actually better musicians than Styx and Jon Schmidt, or if it's that I view myself as a better person now and I just happen to be involved with Rush and William Joseph at the time. Another thing I've noticed (as I think many other people have) is that Styx, Jon Schmidt, and other artists call back memories of things I did during the time periods I was listening to their music. For example, Styx always reminds me of Scout campouts, because I was participating in them at the time I enjoyed Styx. Jon Schmidt makes me think of youth conferences, Basshunter makes me think of high school dances, Thomas Newman makes me think of long road trips, and many other examples. In a very big way, music sets the stage for our lives.
Second, the way music influences my relationships and experiences with people. This often happens simultaneously with life experiences, although I believe the connection with people is stronger. When people introduce me to new music, I instantly and unconsciously associate that music with memories of them. For instance, I can't listen to Foreigner without thinking of Jeff Jenkins, I can't listen to Relient K, Owl City, or Taylor Swift without thinking of Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, and Amanda Hixon, I can't listen to Basshunter, Bond, or E.S. Posthumus without thinking of Nathan Merrill, I can't listen to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack without thinking of Sarah Johnson, I can't listen to the August Rush soundtrack without thinking of my older brother Michael, I can't listen to the Tarzan soundtrack or any of Phil Collins' music without thinking of my younger sister Julia, and I can't listen to the Lion King soundtrack without thinking of the amazing people I was able to be involved with during the Spring Sing. I could go on for days. Music has a mutual relationship with the people I associate with. That bond is even stronger when I like both the music and the people, but in some cases the abundance of one can make up for the lack of the other. If I don't particularly like a person, but I find that our musical tastes are similar, I find the person more appealing. If I don't like a particular song, but a good number of my close friends like it, the song grows on me (which I didn't realize until "Hey Soul Sister" by Train came out). But when both components are present, the bond becomes incredibly strong. I've always sort of liked the Lion King soundtrack, but once the Spring Sing happened, it's grown to become some of my most favorite and beloved music I've ever listened to. I sort of liked the people who were in the Spring Sing all along, but afterwards, my love for the music expanded my love for them, and now I consider all of them close friends.
Music has a power for uniting people, resolving differences, forming lasting memories, healing, feeling, and so many other things. I can't even begin to describe how much music has influenced my personality and my life with others, but I am eternally grateful for the situations it's put me in. I truly believe music is a God-given gift, and I cannot fathom the ingenuity of its invention. Music will always be an inseparable part of who I am, and I fear to think of who I might have been without it.
Music is memory. Music is emotion. Music is power.
Music is LIFE.
I'll start back when I was 12. I was taking drum lessons from a high schooler who lived nearby, and one day we sat down by his computer in hopes of helping him discern what kind of music I liked. Every genre he tried to show me came up with a response like, "I don't know...it's kind of cool, I guess." The best description he could get out of me pertaining to the kind of music I liked was that I enjoyed music that made me feel good while riding in the car and looking out the window. The concept that I didn't know what kind of music I liked was totally alien to him, as it is to me now.
Music didn't really start to become a part of me until high school. The main thing that started me developing attitudes and opinions about music was my job at Little Caesar's during my senior year. I absolutely loved that job and all the people I worked with, but my one complaint (minor, really) was the music they listened to. About 90% of it was rap and/or pop, and what's worse, it was on stations that overplayed the music to a bloody pulp (I swear they just cycled the same 10 songs all day). I developed an extensive bias against these genres and the radio in general (specifically Movin' 100.7 and 97.1 ZHT). I came to view this music as unintelligent, crude, talent-starved, and worthless. Granted, much of it was, but the attitude I formed was that it was the nature of the genre that was responsible for these flaws, not the individual artists (although I hated them too). I couldn't seem to entertain the possibility that rap could ever be "quality music", or even music at all. Gimmicks like Autotune (which I still do and always will dislike) only made it worse.
During this period of being engulfed in music that I found distasteful, my natural instinct was to desperately search for what I thought was "quality music", and I did. Over time, I formed strong opinions about what was and what was not well-produced music, and that was ultimately when music started to become a part of me. I came to enjoy certain songs or bands so much that I felt personally insulted when I found that another person disliked them. I considered my music an extension of my personality, and if somebody messed with my music, they messed with me (which led to a lot of really awkward arguments). I considered myself to be exceptionally gifted in the art of analyzing music, and while this may have been a bias in itself, it wasn't the real problem. I used this so-called talent to justify my attitude that what I liked must have been good music, and what I didn't like must have been poor or low-quality music. I didn't care how many people liked Taylor Swift's "Love Story"; I hated it, so it was clearly not good music. I even started asserting that people who like music I disliked didn't know what they were talking about and simply had no idea what good music really was. I had a hard time stopping myself from instantly judging people based on what kind of music they like. It was getting out of control.
Luckily, I got some help. One night, as I was particularly fed up with rap and pop, I posted a conceited note on Facebook outlining my bold, brutally "honest", lampooning criticism of all the musical "artists" I hated the most. I expected objections, but only from those who I labeled as "unable to judge what quality music really is". Unexpectedly, the most slamming and intelligent rebuttals I received were from two of my friends I respected most in the musical world: Andrew Jensen and Jack Barton. Both provided excellent arguments against my biased and uneducated opinions, and it completely disarmed me. I can't say I instantly and completely reconstructed my views on the issue, but it started me on the road to recovery.
Now I judge music differently, largely in connection with the more psychological components like memory consolidation and emotional content. This has come with the realization that the music I listen to, the experiences I have, and the people I associate with become connected. The memory portion of this connection has impacted my life in two main ways.
First, the way that music orchestrates the mood for how I remember experiences and events in my life, and the person I was at the time. To explain this, I'll use what I call musical progression. In junior high, I liked Styx and Jon Schmidt (among other things). Now, I don't like them so much any more. Often I express it as "graduating" from a musical artist: I have "graduated" from Styx and Jon Schmidt and moved on to "better"but similar artists such as Rush and William Joseph. I don't know if this is because Rush and William Joseph are actually better musicians than Styx and Jon Schmidt, or if it's that I view myself as a better person now and I just happen to be involved with Rush and William Joseph at the time. Another thing I've noticed (as I think many other people have) is that Styx, Jon Schmidt, and other artists call back memories of things I did during the time periods I was listening to their music. For example, Styx always reminds me of Scout campouts, because I was participating in them at the time I enjoyed Styx. Jon Schmidt makes me think of youth conferences, Basshunter makes me think of high school dances, Thomas Newman makes me think of long road trips, and many other examples. In a very big way, music sets the stage for our lives.
Second, the way music influences my relationships and experiences with people. This often happens simultaneously with life experiences, although I believe the connection with people is stronger. When people introduce me to new music, I instantly and unconsciously associate that music with memories of them. For instance, I can't listen to Foreigner without thinking of Jeff Jenkins, I can't listen to Relient K, Owl City, or Taylor Swift without thinking of Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, and Amanda Hixon, I can't listen to Basshunter, Bond, or E.S. Posthumus without thinking of Nathan Merrill, I can't listen to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack without thinking of Sarah Johnson, I can't listen to the August Rush soundtrack without thinking of my older brother Michael, I can't listen to the Tarzan soundtrack or any of Phil Collins' music without thinking of my younger sister Julia, and I can't listen to the Lion King soundtrack without thinking of the amazing people I was able to be involved with during the Spring Sing. I could go on for days. Music has a mutual relationship with the people I associate with. That bond is even stronger when I like both the music and the people, but in some cases the abundance of one can make up for the lack of the other. If I don't particularly like a person, but I find that our musical tastes are similar, I find the person more appealing. If I don't like a particular song, but a good number of my close friends like it, the song grows on me (which I didn't realize until "Hey Soul Sister" by Train came out). But when both components are present, the bond becomes incredibly strong. I've always sort of liked the Lion King soundtrack, but once the Spring Sing happened, it's grown to become some of my most favorite and beloved music I've ever listened to. I sort of liked the people who were in the Spring Sing all along, but afterwards, my love for the music expanded my love for them, and now I consider all of them close friends.
Music has a power for uniting people, resolving differences, forming lasting memories, healing, feeling, and so many other things. I can't even begin to describe how much music has influenced my personality and my life with others, but I am eternally grateful for the situations it's put me in. I truly believe music is a God-given gift, and I cannot fathom the ingenuity of its invention. Music will always be an inseparable part of who I am, and I fear to think of who I might have been without it.
Music is memory. Music is emotion. Music is power.
Music is LIFE.
Do-over
Ha. This one is actually relatively short.
Lately I've been having very realistic and vivid dreams about experiences I've had in college. I hate them. I hate them because they're wonderful, and they continually remind me of everything I miss about college. The other night, I had the most amazing and therefore mockingly malicious dream yet. I dreamed that I went back in time to the first day of college. The worst thing wasn't what I actually did in the dream; in fact, that part of it was quite irrelevant (except the ward social part). The thing I hated the most (after I awoke, that is) was that I was there again, with all the knowledge, experiences, and memories from my life at BYU. I attended the ward opening social, which was painful for two reasons. First, I never attended the social in real life. Second, I already knew EVERYONE. I wanted to much to grab someone by the shoulders and say, "You are AMAZING! I know and love you like family and I want to spend as much time as I can with each and every one of you." Of course, this would have been pretty creepy and disturbing, so I didn't. When I went back home, I reflected on the fantastic situation I was in. I could participate in all the ward activities I had missed, and relive with joy the ones I already had. I could spend more time with my friends, serve more, date more, live more instead of spending lonely Saturdays watching Cosmos and TED talks on my laptop. And then the most beautiful (and later torturous) part of the dream came. I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord in endless gratitude for the marvelous opportunity I had been blessed with. I thanked Him that I could have a chance to do it right this time, and not waste time thinking about my welfare. I looked forward with boundless excitement to the world of possibilities before me.
And then I woke up. I realized with regret that the reality I had just left wasn't reality after all. I wished that I could be back there, to have the ability to navigate the constant, unidirectional stream we know as time. I almost felt like I deserved the right to fix my mistakes and give more of myself to others at the expense of the space-time continuum, but then I remembered. We don't deserve anything. We're already deeply in debt as it is. I could make all kinds of hackneyed phrases about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, or cliched assertions that I won't take anything for granted. Heck, it's probably even cliched now to say that it's cliched. I don't know what I could say know that hasn't already been said about this, but I learned my lesson. For the rest of you, I'll just end with a quote from Calvin & Hobbes:
"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"
Lately I've been having very realistic and vivid dreams about experiences I've had in college. I hate them. I hate them because they're wonderful, and they continually remind me of everything I miss about college. The other night, I had the most amazing and therefore mockingly malicious dream yet. I dreamed that I went back in time to the first day of college. The worst thing wasn't what I actually did in the dream; in fact, that part of it was quite irrelevant (except the ward social part). The thing I hated the most (after I awoke, that is) was that I was there again, with all the knowledge, experiences, and memories from my life at BYU. I attended the ward opening social, which was painful for two reasons. First, I never attended the social in real life. Second, I already knew EVERYONE. I wanted to much to grab someone by the shoulders and say, "You are AMAZING! I know and love you like family and I want to spend as much time as I can with each and every one of you." Of course, this would have been pretty creepy and disturbing, so I didn't. When I went back home, I reflected on the fantastic situation I was in. I could participate in all the ward activities I had missed, and relive with joy the ones I already had. I could spend more time with my friends, serve more, date more, live more instead of spending lonely Saturdays watching Cosmos and TED talks on my laptop. And then the most beautiful (and later torturous) part of the dream came. I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord in endless gratitude for the marvelous opportunity I had been blessed with. I thanked Him that I could have a chance to do it right this time, and not waste time thinking about my welfare. I looked forward with boundless excitement to the world of possibilities before me.
And then I woke up. I realized with regret that the reality I had just left wasn't reality after all. I wished that I could be back there, to have the ability to navigate the constant, unidirectional stream we know as time. I almost felt like I deserved the right to fix my mistakes and give more of myself to others at the expense of the space-time continuum, but then I remembered. We don't deserve anything. We're already deeply in debt as it is. I could make all kinds of hackneyed phrases about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, or cliched assertions that I won't take anything for granted. Heck, it's probably even cliched now to say that it's cliched. I don't know what I could say know that hasn't already been said about this, but I learned my lesson. For the rest of you, I'll just end with a quote from Calvin & Hobbes:
"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"
Intrinsic motivation
This is something that I wrote a while ago, and I just rediscovered it in my journal. It was during my senior year, some time after I learned about extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation in psychology. I reflected on what sort of motivation I had, what sort of motivation I wanted to have, and the true nature of each in the spiritual sense. This was the result.
"There are two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is based on rewards. In other words, I work had in school because I know I will be rewarded with success in life. I do my chores because I will rewarded with satisfied parents and a clean household. Or, in a truer, bigger, and harsher sense, I do what's right because I will be rewarded with eternal life. A reward is anything that gives one pleasure in varying strength. Therefore, the strength of the extrinsic motivation is dependent on the strength of the reward. For example, suppose student A does his homework because he wants to get into a good college. Student B gets paid $10 for every A grade. Ignoring other things, Student B is more likely to be extrinsically motivated because the reward is consistent, expected, and predictable. Extrinsic motivation is nothing without the promise of a reward. If I buy a meal for a homeless person, I expect to either feel good for my service, be congratulated by my peers, or know that I have made the world a better place. However, if I don't care at all about the homeless person, my friends' approval, or the state of the world, I could very well save that hobo's life and feel nothing. You have to care about your rewards, and if you care nothing for a potential reward, it is not a reward to you. Concern is like emotional pleasure. If you had no concern for anything, it would be like eating a cookie, tasting it, but having no feeling of pleasure from the taste of that cookie. A lack of concern is like the organ without the brain; that organ may be sending messages, but if the brain does not discriminate between good and bad messages or pleasurable/not pleasurable messages, no change occurs. Fortunately, everybody cares about something, and that makes rewards, and, by extension, extrinsic motivation universally effective. Extrinsic motivation is entirely received; some stimulus occurs outside of yourself that gives you pleasure. If not for the stimulus, there would be no pleasure, no reward, and no extrinsic motivation. With extrinsic motivation, all you need is the reward. I don't have to want to do any homework as long as I am promised that I will get good grades.
"Intrinsic motivation is more difficult. People who run on intrinsic motivation do not receive an award from anyone--"
I stopped here, probably because it was late and I had to get to bed. I wondered over the next couple of days whether intrinsic motivation was truly possible, because it seemed like I didn't have any. The spiritual side of my dilemma made me even more confused, and this paradox is illustrated in my next entry:
"I begin with the question: Does intrinsic motivation exist? Intrinsic motivation is a feeling of pleasure or fulfillment that comes entirely from ourselves. Or does it? When we experience pleasure or fulfillment, that feeling either comes from God or ourselves. If God gives us that feeling, either it is sent to us or something within our bodies and/or spirits was created to experience that feeling when something happened. It seems for now that I am forced to conclude that either intrinsic motivation does not exist (because every feeling of pleasure is given to us) or that people create pleasure for themselves outside of God. Neither of these things seem possible, nor do I want to believe them. I know that the only thing we have to offer is our will, because everything else was originally given to us in the first place and therefore would be of no value to God if it was returned. Our will is our only gift to God, but if He did not give it to us, who did? Who made it? How did it come into being--"
Again I was unable to continue, this time because the prospect opened up a whole new dimension of thinking to me that I couldn't handle all at once. I was mainly confused about who I really was, and it took me a while to reconcile this confusion. A few days later, this is what I came up with:
"You have something of your own. God made you, yes, but there is some part of you that is completely and entirely unique, something that existed long before you had a consciousness. If every aspect of your personality was created, you would essentially not have existed as an intelligence. Because you did, you know that there is a 'you' that existed before you even gained a spirit. This is what makes true and pure intrinsic motivation possible, because God's feelings of pleasure that we receive are not entirely manufactured externally. We receive the internal comfort that the Spirit provides, but as beautiful and amazing that feeling is, it still came from God and thus can be classified as extrinsic motivation in a way. But it is not entirely that way. The Holy Spirit, in its workings, also activates the inner spirit, the self of self that lives far within us. Thus it becomes true intrinsic motivation because you are creating something that you love. You are driving yourself to spiritual perfection. Why is this component important? Because without it, God would essentially be programming a person to see how it would 'run' on earth. It would be a cruel God that gave people damning traits; that is, giving people attributes that would lead to their downfall by direct causation. God knows, as I now know, that there is a part of you that is completely independent of who He created your spirit to be. You are not just a formula for creation. God did not put you on the earth just to be who He expected you to be, because there would be no conflict that way. He knew your future only because He had seen it. He did know every part of you, but He also knew that there was a part he could have no control over in creation or maintenance. This is commonly known as free will. No matter how hardwired your personality may be to follow certain behavior patterns, you can always override that. The only bulwark that can stand against the flood of God's will is human agency, a fact that is as tragic as it is necessary for learning."
The last part of this, of course, is only possible because God chose to include human agency in the plan of salvation, but it is still true. The last part of this entry was written to myself, but I believe it can apply to everyone.
"You thought that there were only two options: one, that there is no such thing as intrinsic motivation because every good thing or feeling came from God, or two, that intrinsic motivation came from a force other than God. Neither of these you wanted to believe, but I invite you now, as has happened to often for you in the past, to connect successfully two contradictory notions. The feeling of the Spirit is a harmony of God's confirmation and your inner self, which of course you do not know much of yet. Intrinsic motivation both does and does not exist. Pleasure, true fulfillment, both does and does not come from God. But pure intrinsic motivation occurs when and only when the will of the individual is parallel to the will of God, because that is when the sweet tones of eternity all align to form one euphonic chord of the infinitum."
"There are two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is based on rewards. In other words, I work had in school because I know I will be rewarded with success in life. I do my chores because I will rewarded with satisfied parents and a clean household. Or, in a truer, bigger, and harsher sense, I do what's right because I will be rewarded with eternal life. A reward is anything that gives one pleasure in varying strength. Therefore, the strength of the extrinsic motivation is dependent on the strength of the reward. For example, suppose student A does his homework because he wants to get into a good college. Student B gets paid $10 for every A grade. Ignoring other things, Student B is more likely to be extrinsically motivated because the reward is consistent, expected, and predictable. Extrinsic motivation is nothing without the promise of a reward. If I buy a meal for a homeless person, I expect to either feel good for my service, be congratulated by my peers, or know that I have made the world a better place. However, if I don't care at all about the homeless person, my friends' approval, or the state of the world, I could very well save that hobo's life and feel nothing. You have to care about your rewards, and if you care nothing for a potential reward, it is not a reward to you. Concern is like emotional pleasure. If you had no concern for anything, it would be like eating a cookie, tasting it, but having no feeling of pleasure from the taste of that cookie. A lack of concern is like the organ without the brain; that organ may be sending messages, but if the brain does not discriminate between good and bad messages or pleasurable/not pleasurable messages, no change occurs. Fortunately, everybody cares about something, and that makes rewards, and, by extension, extrinsic motivation universally effective. Extrinsic motivation is entirely received; some stimulus occurs outside of yourself that gives you pleasure. If not for the stimulus, there would be no pleasure, no reward, and no extrinsic motivation. With extrinsic motivation, all you need is the reward. I don't have to want to do any homework as long as I am promised that I will get good grades.
"Intrinsic motivation is more difficult. People who run on intrinsic motivation do not receive an award from anyone--"
I stopped here, probably because it was late and I had to get to bed. I wondered over the next couple of days whether intrinsic motivation was truly possible, because it seemed like I didn't have any. The spiritual side of my dilemma made me even more confused, and this paradox is illustrated in my next entry:
"I begin with the question: Does intrinsic motivation exist? Intrinsic motivation is a feeling of pleasure or fulfillment that comes entirely from ourselves. Or does it? When we experience pleasure or fulfillment, that feeling either comes from God or ourselves. If God gives us that feeling, either it is sent to us or something within our bodies and/or spirits was created to experience that feeling when something happened. It seems for now that I am forced to conclude that either intrinsic motivation does not exist (because every feeling of pleasure is given to us) or that people create pleasure for themselves outside of God. Neither of these things seem possible, nor do I want to believe them. I know that the only thing we have to offer is our will, because everything else was originally given to us in the first place and therefore would be of no value to God if it was returned. Our will is our only gift to God, but if He did not give it to us, who did? Who made it? How did it come into being--"
Again I was unable to continue, this time because the prospect opened up a whole new dimension of thinking to me that I couldn't handle all at once. I was mainly confused about who I really was, and it took me a while to reconcile this confusion. A few days later, this is what I came up with:
"You have something of your own. God made you, yes, but there is some part of you that is completely and entirely unique, something that existed long before you had a consciousness. If every aspect of your personality was created, you would essentially not have existed as an intelligence. Because you did, you know that there is a 'you' that existed before you even gained a spirit. This is what makes true and pure intrinsic motivation possible, because God's feelings of pleasure that we receive are not entirely manufactured externally. We receive the internal comfort that the Spirit provides, but as beautiful and amazing that feeling is, it still came from God and thus can be classified as extrinsic motivation in a way. But it is not entirely that way. The Holy Spirit, in its workings, also activates the inner spirit, the self of self that lives far within us. Thus it becomes true intrinsic motivation because you are creating something that you love. You are driving yourself to spiritual perfection. Why is this component important? Because without it, God would essentially be programming a person to see how it would 'run' on earth. It would be a cruel God that gave people damning traits; that is, giving people attributes that would lead to their downfall by direct causation. God knows, as I now know, that there is a part of you that is completely independent of who He created your spirit to be. You are not just a formula for creation. God did not put you on the earth just to be who He expected you to be, because there would be no conflict that way. He knew your future only because He had seen it. He did know every part of you, but He also knew that there was a part he could have no control over in creation or maintenance. This is commonly known as free will. No matter how hardwired your personality may be to follow certain behavior patterns, you can always override that. The only bulwark that can stand against the flood of God's will is human agency, a fact that is as tragic as it is necessary for learning."
The last part of this, of course, is only possible because God chose to include human agency in the plan of salvation, but it is still true. The last part of this entry was written to myself, but I believe it can apply to everyone.
"You thought that there were only two options: one, that there is no such thing as intrinsic motivation because every good thing or feeling came from God, or two, that intrinsic motivation came from a force other than God. Neither of these you wanted to believe, but I invite you now, as has happened to often for you in the past, to connect successfully two contradictory notions. The feeling of the Spirit is a harmony of God's confirmation and your inner self, which of course you do not know much of yet. Intrinsic motivation both does and does not exist. Pleasure, true fulfillment, both does and does not come from God. But pure intrinsic motivation occurs when and only when the will of the individual is parallel to the will of God, because that is when the sweet tones of eternity all align to form one euphonic chord of the infinitum."
Thursday, April 22, 2010
BYU 65th Ward (or college in general)
I had a fantastic year at college, and I wouldn't feel truly grateful without writing something to thank all the people that made it what it was. I know it would be more meaningful to do this in person, but it would probably end up too long, inconvenient, and awkward. I hope I don't forget anybody in this, but if I did, send me hate mail and I'll acknowledge your inevitable wonderfulness. Here goes.
First and perhaps most important, I want to thank everyone who was involved with the Spring Sing (especially Kaelie Pellegrini, without which it may not have existed): Jason Gabbitas, Sarah Johnson, Danny Hansen, Amy Perez, Karmila Saulong, Rachel Ostler, "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, TJ Willard, Conley Weston, Emily Crouch, Katy Dallon, Sarah Bade, Steven Brown, Isaac Lyman (for a while anyway), Aubrey Jones, Adam Lee, Sarah Ellsworth, Mark Johnson, Justin Shattuck, Chris Brown, Debbie Smith, Nolan Blackhurst, Austin Vach (mostly :P), and Bro. Carlson for lending us his house, his garage, and quite possibly his sanity. I think I got everybody. For those of you who don't know (which is probably everyone because I don't think I told anybody about this), the Spring Sing was undoubtedly the most fun and amazing experience I've had my entire freshman year at BYU. I am so glad to have been a part of it, and I can't even say how much it changed me. We truly connected during all this (at least I feel that we did), and we pulled out a GREAT performance (Amy, be quiet. You were awesome too). I felt like I really got to know some people that I may not have otherwise, and I love you all the more for it. Thank you.
Second, my fabulous roommates, Ryan Lopez and Austin Vach (and Kaleo Li first semester). Ryan, I've known you for a long time, but there's just something about being roommates that makes you get to know each other like you never have before (in good ways and bad...heh heh). I know that you'll be a wonderful missionary in Chile and that you already are a strong, valiant son of God. Thank you for putting up with my rugged insolence and my philosophical ramblings when I kind of could tell you didn't really want to. Kaleo, you were and are HILARIOUS. And you are very intelligent. Although our musical tastes rarely agreed with each other, I always thought it was funny to watch you jumping on the couch and singing Katy Perry. Or taking a shower and singing Katy Perry. Or making Ramen and singing Katy Perry and burning yourself. You'd better tell me where you're going on a mission, or I'm hunting you down! Austin, you made this semester a lot of fun for me. I'm pretty sure me and you combined know every single song ever. I loved singing/screaming Defying Gravity with you, even if you weren't willing to do it for Ward Prayer. And breaking bottles is DEFINITELY going to be a rite of passage for any and all of my future roommates. But I will always remember you were the first stud to be brave/stupid enough to do it. And the last...anyway, thank you all for what you've brought to my life. I'm not going to bear my testimony of you, because that would be cheesy and also awkward, but you are awesome.
Next, I want to thank my amazing neighbors Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, Jacob Roberts (first semester) and Kaleo Li (second semester). You guys are SO. MUCH. FUN. to be around, and I enjoyed every time I came over to your apartment because I was bored. Nolan, thanks for introducing me to Nitro Circus, Relient K, Owl City, and many other awesome things. And fixing my bike. Multiple times. For no charge. Good luck in Phoenix! Andrew, I don't have anything specific to thank you for, but you're an all-around great friend and I really respect you. Orlando isn't going to know what hit them. You're going to be a fantastic missionary. Jacob, I love your craziness and hyper...ness. You could always make me laugh, no matter what you did (even if it was hitting my head on the ceiling). I'm sure you're having an awesome time in Greece and being a great missionary. Kaleo, I already talked about you. But you're still awesome. TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR MISSION!!! Also, I want to thank my vertical neighbors, Mark Johnson, Jace Norton, and Fei Li. Mark, I love how you just walked in to wherever you wanted and pretended like it was home. I wish I could have let you do that more, but Ryan was being paranoid and always locked the door. Jace, you're pretty much good at everything. Seriously. I loved having you as a choir director, and you are...very...humorous. And I got you SO GOOD with the April Fool's joke. Ha ha. I'm sorry you didn't get to fulfill your dream of covering all of Guatemala with our ward, but I'm pretty sure you'll convert every one of them anyway. Fei, I didn't know you very well, but from what I heard you're a pretty awesome guy. By the way, thanks for getting me to quit drumming on everything. My studying actually went a lot better after that. :)
Next, my wonderful FHE groups. First semester: Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, Danielle Hanks, Jenna Rasmussen, Bri Smith, Natalie Grigg, Kristy..........what's-her-last-name, Corbin Stott, Tyler Mickelson, Tyler Madsen, and my apartment. Second semester: Sarah Bade, Mary Kremer, Katrina Slaugh, Aubrey Jones, Allie Bowen, Emily Horn, Addison & Hayden Smith, Devin SANTA CLAUS, and Daniel "Indie" Carlson (yep, that's your middle name now. I just decided that). Thank you for all the great times we had together and all the fun things we did. First semester FHE group, thanks for all the creative ideas for fun stuff that we came up with, even if they didn't always work. And I'd like to extend a personal apology to Sarah Johnson for the Skittle game....no one should have to go through something like that. :) Second semester: We had an AWESOME skit. I loved being Hitler, and everyone else did a wonderful job as well. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to introduce Werewolf to my college friends, and will you please STOP KILLING ADDISON ALREADY! (You're welcome, Addison). Feel free to deprive him of voting as much as you want, though.
Next, the great friends I've had during college that I haven't thanked already (most of which are also in my ward). Barry West, I totally thought you were some manly kind of guy (and you are), but over the course of the year you became more of a gentle giant personality to me. I LOVED your testimonies, some of the things you said were just so cute (sorry, I couldn't think of a better word for it). Amanda Hixon and Katie Zavoral, thank you for having the best birthday parties that I have attended in my life. They were most excellent. "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, thank you for being quite possibly the most awesome storyteller/Scar/ANYTHING ever. You stole the show in the Spring Sing (in a good way) and Storytime was nothing less than epic. You REALLY need to consider being a voice actor someday, because you are AMAZING at it. Ryan "Timmy" Barrett and Andrew Keller, thanks for being my Book of Mormon buddies and a wonderful home teacher/home student, respectively. And the date was awesome, too. Even if the Shopko people teamed up on us. Amy Perez and Karmila Saulong, thank you for being the fun and happy people you were this year. I could never be unhappy around you two, and you brought joy everywhere you went. And Amy, once I try that caramel apple, I'll tell you how it is. But I already know it's yummy. Rachel Ostler, you are a SPECTACULAR violin player, and no, I can't say that enough times. Thank you for inviting me to your recital. Don't EVER give up on music, because you're just too dang talented to justify doing that. Cory Finlinson, thank you for being an awesome home teacher and for the awesome date you hooked me up with. :) New Zealand is going to be AMAZING. I would say that I'm jealous, but my mission is going to be awesome too. So...yeah. Jason Gabbitas and Danny Hansen, thank you for letting me burst in your door whenever I wanted and sometimes also eat your food. Jason, I love your sarcastic comedic style, and although there were awkward times when I tried to copy you and it completely failed, it was fun to try anyway. Danny, you were a wonderful sidekick in the Spring Sing and it was a lot of fun acting with you. Your Hebrew is great, and I'll bet everybody in Oregon is going to love having a leprechaun preach the gospel to them (sorry...I couldn't resist). Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, and Danielle Hanks, thanks for all the fun we had doing stuff. Mostly playing Hand and Foot. And Nerts. And Phase 10. Bwahahahaha. Blake Swapp, thank you for being an AMAZING home teaching companion. 100% FOREVER!!! And you know, even though I may have beat you at the dessert-making competition, I'm pretty sure you would own me in a main-dish-making competition. Chase Swapp, thank you for being a phenomenal Elder's Quorum President. You did a fantastic job, and the first time you bore your testimony last semester in Elder's Quorum as the new president, I knew that you were the one. I guess. That may have sounded weird, but whatever. Elisabeth Kaseda, I'm glad that you heard about me so many times in such a short time period, otherwise we may still not have known each other. I had tons of fun at our date to the Men's Chorus, and I'd love to do stuff with you whenever you would like (hooray for both living in Utah!!!). Michael with the red hair, I still don't know your last name. Hopefully I will when you add me as a friend on Facebook :). Thanks for having such an optimistic attitude about life and being such a happy person all the time. Well, those are all the people I can think of at the moment, but I may add to this list.
Finally, to the people I never knew but could have/should have gotten to know during the previous months. Our ward was amazing, and the number of people that I wish I knew better (or at all) is much higher than I'd care to admit. I really loved this ward, and I feel more like I'm leaving home than returning to it. I'm sure that's how I'll feel about my mission as well (Birmingham Alabama for those who haven't heard), but it's always a bittersweet feeling. I just hope I'll be able to listen to the Circle of Life again without having severe fits of nostalgia.
But probably not.
First and perhaps most important, I want to thank everyone who was involved with the Spring Sing (especially Kaelie Pellegrini, without which it may not have existed): Jason Gabbitas, Sarah Johnson, Danny Hansen, Amy Perez, Karmila Saulong, Rachel Ostler, "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, TJ Willard, Conley Weston, Emily Crouch, Katy Dallon, Sarah Bade, Steven Brown, Isaac Lyman (for a while anyway), Aubrey Jones, Adam Lee, Sarah Ellsworth, Mark Johnson, Justin Shattuck, Chris Brown, Debbie Smith, Nolan Blackhurst, Austin Vach (mostly :P), and Bro. Carlson for lending us his house, his garage, and quite possibly his sanity. I think I got everybody. For those of you who don't know (which is probably everyone because I don't think I told anybody about this), the Spring Sing was undoubtedly the most fun and amazing experience I've had my entire freshman year at BYU. I am so glad to have been a part of it, and I can't even say how much it changed me. We truly connected during all this (at least I feel that we did), and we pulled out a GREAT performance (Amy, be quiet. You were awesome too). I felt like I really got to know some people that I may not have otherwise, and I love you all the more for it. Thank you.
Second, my fabulous roommates, Ryan Lopez and Austin Vach (and Kaleo Li first semester). Ryan, I've known you for a long time, but there's just something about being roommates that makes you get to know each other like you never have before (in good ways and bad...heh heh). I know that you'll be a wonderful missionary in Chile and that you already are a strong, valiant son of God. Thank you for putting up with my rugged insolence and my philosophical ramblings when I kind of could tell you didn't really want to. Kaleo, you were and are HILARIOUS. And you are very intelligent. Although our musical tastes rarely agreed with each other, I always thought it was funny to watch you jumping on the couch and singing Katy Perry. Or taking a shower and singing Katy Perry. Or making Ramen and singing Katy Perry and burning yourself. You'd better tell me where you're going on a mission, or I'm hunting you down! Austin, you made this semester a lot of fun for me. I'm pretty sure me and you combined know every single song ever. I loved singing/screaming Defying Gravity with you, even if you weren't willing to do it for Ward Prayer. And breaking bottles is DEFINITELY going to be a rite of passage for any and all of my future roommates. But I will always remember you were the first stud to be brave/stupid enough to do it. And the last...anyway, thank you all for what you've brought to my life. I'm not going to bear my testimony of you, because that would be cheesy and also awkward, but you are awesome.
Next, I want to thank my amazing neighbors Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, Jacob Roberts (first semester) and Kaleo Li (second semester). You guys are SO. MUCH. FUN. to be around, and I enjoyed every time I came over to your apartment because I was bored. Nolan, thanks for introducing me to Nitro Circus, Relient K, Owl City, and many other awesome things. And fixing my bike. Multiple times. For no charge. Good luck in Phoenix! Andrew, I don't have anything specific to thank you for, but you're an all-around great friend and I really respect you. Orlando isn't going to know what hit them. You're going to be a fantastic missionary. Jacob, I love your craziness and hyper...ness. You could always make me laugh, no matter what you did (even if it was hitting my head on the ceiling). I'm sure you're having an awesome time in Greece and being a great missionary. Kaleo, I already talked about you. But you're still awesome. TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR MISSION!!! Also, I want to thank my vertical neighbors, Mark Johnson, Jace Norton, and Fei Li. Mark, I love how you just walked in to wherever you wanted and pretended like it was home. I wish I could have let you do that more, but Ryan was being paranoid and always locked the door. Jace, you're pretty much good at everything. Seriously. I loved having you as a choir director, and you are...very...humorous. And I got you SO GOOD with the April Fool's joke. Ha ha. I'm sorry you didn't get to fulfill your dream of covering all of Guatemala with our ward, but I'm pretty sure you'll convert every one of them anyway. Fei, I didn't know you very well, but from what I heard you're a pretty awesome guy. By the way, thanks for getting me to quit drumming on everything. My studying actually went a lot better after that. :)
Next, my wonderful FHE groups. First semester: Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, Danielle Hanks, Jenna Rasmussen, Bri Smith, Natalie Grigg, Kristy..........what's-her-last-name, Corbin Stott, Tyler Mickelson, Tyler Madsen, and my apartment. Second semester: Sarah Bade, Mary Kremer, Katrina Slaugh, Aubrey Jones, Allie Bowen, Emily Horn, Addison & Hayden Smith, Devin SANTA CLAUS, and Daniel "Indie" Carlson (yep, that's your middle name now. I just decided that). Thank you for all the great times we had together and all the fun things we did. First semester FHE group, thanks for all the creative ideas for fun stuff that we came up with, even if they didn't always work. And I'd like to extend a personal apology to Sarah Johnson for the Skittle game....no one should have to go through something like that. :) Second semester: We had an AWESOME skit. I loved being Hitler, and everyone else did a wonderful job as well. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to introduce Werewolf to my college friends, and will you please STOP KILLING ADDISON ALREADY! (You're welcome, Addison). Feel free to deprive him of voting as much as you want, though.
Next, the great friends I've had during college that I haven't thanked already (most of which are also in my ward). Barry West, I totally thought you were some manly kind of guy (and you are), but over the course of the year you became more of a gentle giant personality to me. I LOVED your testimonies, some of the things you said were just so cute (sorry, I couldn't think of a better word for it). Amanda Hixon and Katie Zavoral, thank you for having the best birthday parties that I have attended in my life. They were most excellent. "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, thank you for being quite possibly the most awesome storyteller/Scar/ANYTHING ever. You stole the show in the Spring Sing (in a good way) and Storytime was nothing less than epic. You REALLY need to consider being a voice actor someday, because you are AMAZING at it. Ryan "Timmy" Barrett and Andrew Keller, thanks for being my Book of Mormon buddies and a wonderful home teacher/home student, respectively. And the date was awesome, too. Even if the Shopko people teamed up on us. Amy Perez and Karmila Saulong, thank you for being the fun and happy people you were this year. I could never be unhappy around you two, and you brought joy everywhere you went. And Amy, once I try that caramel apple, I'll tell you how it is. But I already know it's yummy. Rachel Ostler, you are a SPECTACULAR violin player, and no, I can't say that enough times. Thank you for inviting me to your recital. Don't EVER give up on music, because you're just too dang talented to justify doing that. Cory Finlinson, thank you for being an awesome home teacher and for the awesome date you hooked me up with. :) New Zealand is going to be AMAZING. I would say that I'm jealous, but my mission is going to be awesome too. So...yeah. Jason Gabbitas and Danny Hansen, thank you for letting me burst in your door whenever I wanted and sometimes also eat your food. Jason, I love your sarcastic comedic style, and although there were awkward times when I tried to copy you and it completely failed, it was fun to try anyway. Danny, you were a wonderful sidekick in the Spring Sing and it was a lot of fun acting with you. Your Hebrew is great, and I'll bet everybody in Oregon is going to love having a leprechaun preach the gospel to them (sorry...I couldn't resist). Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, and Danielle Hanks, thanks for all the fun we had doing stuff. Mostly playing Hand and Foot. And Nerts. And Phase 10. Bwahahahaha. Blake Swapp, thank you for being an AMAZING home teaching companion. 100% FOREVER!!! And you know, even though I may have beat you at the dessert-making competition, I'm pretty sure you would own me in a main-dish-making competition. Chase Swapp, thank you for being a phenomenal Elder's Quorum President. You did a fantastic job, and the first time you bore your testimony last semester in Elder's Quorum as the new president, I knew that you were the one. I guess. That may have sounded weird, but whatever. Elisabeth Kaseda, I'm glad that you heard about me so many times in such a short time period, otherwise we may still not have known each other. I had tons of fun at our date to the Men's Chorus, and I'd love to do stuff with you whenever you would like (hooray for both living in Utah!!!). Michael with the red hair, I still don't know your last name. Hopefully I will when you add me as a friend on Facebook :). Thanks for having such an optimistic attitude about life and being such a happy person all the time. Well, those are all the people I can think of at the moment, but I may add to this list.
Finally, to the people I never knew but could have/should have gotten to know during the previous months. Our ward was amazing, and the number of people that I wish I knew better (or at all) is much higher than I'd care to admit. I really loved this ward, and I feel more like I'm leaving home than returning to it. I'm sure that's how I'll feel about my mission as well (Birmingham Alabama for those who haven't heard), but it's always a bittersweet feeling. I just hope I'll be able to listen to the Circle of Life again without having severe fits of nostalgia.
But probably not.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Invention vs. creation
I'm not as much of a geek as I am a nerd, but I still like to see cool technology at work. Inventors fascinate me at their ability to synthesize creativity with technical knowledge and make something that no one has ever thought of before. I especially enjoy when people draw their ideas from nature and model their creations after things that have already been created. In one of the videos I'm attaching to this post, biologists and inventors worked together to create a robotic gecko that was able to climb walls and right itself while airborne just like normal geckos. However, the robot did it many times slower than a live gecko, despite or perhaps because of its fancy machinery. In another video, Dennis Hong creates a humanoid robot that can mimic many of the movements a human can make, but it is again awkward, tedious, and slow. I wondered what the uses of his "walking" robots would be, because they traveled about as quickly as molasses going uphill in the wintertime. None of these can even compare to the complexity of the most primitive life forms, and this fact strengthens my testimony of the creation even more. It reminds me of the Sermon on the Mount when Jesus says, "If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" (3 Nephi 14:11 and Matthew 7:11) God and Jesus have a capacity to create that is infinitely beyond anything mankind can achieve at this time. Ever since taking college, I have learned a lot more about the laws of chemistry and physics that govern His universe, and I am fascinated by the boundless ingenuity that went into the entire process. I've always wondered what it will be like when we become gods and are able to create our own universes. You literally have to know EVERYTHING in order to be able to create something of that magnitude, and don't even get me started on how amazingly beautiful the Plan of Salvation is. God truly does love us, and we can't even begin to understand how much unless we are gods ourselves.
And no, I don't think I can write a blog post without including my religious convictions. Deal with it.
Here's the videos:
http://www.ted.com/talks/dennis_hong_my_seven_species_of_robot.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/robert_full_learning_from_the_gecko_s_tail.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/dean_kamen_the_emotion_behind_invention.html
And no, I don't think I can write a blog post without including my religious convictions. Deal with it.
Here's the videos:
http://www.ted.com/talks/dennis_hong_my_seven_species_of_robot.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/robert_full_learning_from_the_gecko_s_tail.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/dean_kamen_the_emotion_behind_invention.html
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Science
I knew it was only a matter of time before I posted something about science on here. Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long. Ever since I've been in college, I've had the privilege to taste from the table of the greatest scientists who ever lived. Carl Sagan, Luigi Galvani, Rene Descartes, Johann Kepler, Tycho Brahe, Galileo Galilei, Democritus, Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, Sean Carroll, Marie Curie, Edward Jenner, Louis Pasteur, Vilayanur Ramachandran, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Oliver Sacks, Watson & Crick, Daniel Levitin, Ludwig Boltzmann, whoever came up with the brilliant idea of entropy, and (most importantly) God are only a few of the incredibly intelligent scientists that I've come to idolize. I've probably only said about 1% of them here, I could go on for days. Oh, yes, and I'm a geek. I'm going to say it right now because it's going to make the rest of this post so much easier to read. Anyway, the reason I am so fascinated with these people is that they were able to create completely new things. It takes such a remarkably diverse skill set to be able to create things that I can think of these people as no less than utter geniuses. So what does it take to be one of these geniuses?
Determination/Dedication
I would be no less than completely surprised if any one of the scientists I mentioned didn't have absolute passion for what they were doing. Every time I think of the structure of DNA or the wiring of the brain or the organization of the cosmos, I think, Whoever did this much work thinking this up must have had a reason for it. I can't comprehend the kind of passion it would take to stir a pot of radioactive radium for a full day without stopping, try 605 failed medications for curing syphilis before finding one that actually worked, try thousands of ways to light a coiled filament (yes, I know he stole from Tesla), or many of the other spectacular feats of perseverance that famous scientists have come to be known for. I could never do that. I got frustrated enough trying to get only the stupid heading to this paragraph to be bolded and the rest of it in normal type (oh yeah, I'm also terrible with technology). What these scientists must have realized in the course of their work was that they were truly connected to something greater, and trivialities such as fatigue, frustration, and failure should not, could not, and would not deter them. They were truly inspired. I don't believe that science disproves or ever has disproven the existence of God; in fact, I am firmly convinced of quite the contrary (a belief which I could and may possibly write a whole entire other post about). I think that God, being the creator of all worlds and all the glorious, beautiful science that governs them, truly wants us to understand just how He was able to do the things he did, or at least to the puny extent that we can in this life. He wants us to understand science, and I believe many of the people I have mentioned were either directly or indirectly inspired by Him to conduct and formulate the marvelous and wonderful experiments and ideas they did.
Unrivalled Cognitive Abilities
Yeah, I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. If you've ever heard about Bloom's taxonomy of cognitive learning (thanks to Matt Veibell and McKay Easton for letting me in on the wonders of this thing), you'll know that the top two tiers of the pyramid are evaluation and synthesis (it is currently contested as to which should be at the top; even I haven't really decided which is cognitively greater). Every great scientist who has ever lived has possessed one or (usually) both of these attributes to some great extent. Evaluation is the process of critically judging material that has been submitted in the past and making a claim as to its validity. It is what makes science self-correcting. Synthesis is the process of making entirely new ideas out of almost nothing. It is what advances science and allows us to have new ideas about the world. Of course, both of these processes can result in completely dumbfounded and bullheaded ideas, such as that of Venus being an offshoot of Jupiter and causing such cosmological anomalies as the prolonging of the days around Jesus' birth or the lengthening of the days in the Israelites' battle with the Amalekites (not sure if I got the tribe right on that one). Seriously, there was an actual theory about this. Watch Carl Sagan's Cosmos TV series if you don't believe me. So science can create some stupid ideas from some pretty confused people. But the funny thing is, that's not the problem. As Carl Sagan says of this theory in his TV series, the problem isn't that this idea is completely stupid and wrong. The problem is that people rejected it at face value without any proof or evidence. The fascinating thing about science (one of them, anyway) is that ideas can be made that sound completely illogical and indefensible, and still be right. Scientists laughed and ridiculed at Galileo's proposal of a sun-centered solar system just as much as the Venus-child-of-Jupiter theory probably was (maybe even moreso). But Galileo was RIGHT! Everything he said sounded absolutely wrong in his time, but we know it today to be accurate and descriptive of how the solar system really works. Such are the possible results of the synthesis process. What evaluation brings to science is that it takes these ideas, compares them to the data that is present, and refines or rejects the theory with respect to its validity. Evaluation is what threw out the Venus idea and accepted the Galilean model for the solar system. One caveat to this point, though, is that it MUST be done with evidence. Evaluation without evidence is just what happens when people try to judge scientific theories without any justification. Evaluation without evidence is what Sagan said was wrong. It's a slow, tedious process, but we must learn to accept that judging theories relies crucially upon the interpretation of empirical evidence (although I believe this applies more to science than to more aesthetic matters like philosophy and religion). Evaluation and synthesis require the highest of minds to execute. Think of the ingenuity and inspiration it must take to create something out of nothing! How did Newton think of gravity? How did Boltzmann and others think of entropy? How did Einstein think of relativity? Essentially, they had the minds able to comprehend such complex processes, and the imaginations necessary to entertain such impressions.
Luck
Yep...not much I can say about this. (Insert cheesy smile and thumbs-up sign here.) Maybe if you carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain, you can break the curse that your no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather put on your family and finally develop the breakthrough recipe for Sploosh that you've been working on for years (and I truly hope somebody got that reference, or I just looked really stupid). I will say, though, that patience is an important part to having luck. Luck comes to everyone eventually, it just takes longer for some than it does for others. Patience is a principle that is pretty thoroughly tied to dedication and perseverance in that all of them require passion, so I'll leave it alone for now.
INSPIRATION
God gives valuable knowledge to more than just prophets. Although it could be considered that these scientists were a kind of prophet in themselves. As I said before, I believe science couldn't be more in agreement with religion. And I think that many of the scientists I've mentioned believe this way too. I think it's an unfair stereotype to write all physicists off as atheists just because they believe in the Big Bang, or to write all biologists off as agnostic just because they believe in evolution. I think that the Big Bang and evolution are both plausible and supportable ideas that accurately explain many things, and I still believe in God. Science is one of those things that's religiously neutral, just as a white paper viewed behind colored cellophane wrapping; it changes based on your perspective. An atheist could use science just as easily to support his negation of God's existence as I could to support my affirmation of God's existence. It neither proves nor disproves that there is truly a God. I believe that science is in accordance with religion because my whole life has been a background in religion, but if I had a different background I may believe otherwise (although I am thankful that I did not...and I think I could write another blog post about this too). Basically, I think that no one can ever completely destroy or affirm God in his mind at this stage of life. No one can ever fully embrace doubt, neither can they completely get rid of it in mortality. I like to think (and yes, I'm going out on a limb here) that most of the theories that scientists came up with were based on the belief that something made all this. Maybe not necessarily God, but something. And that something is what pushed them. That something is what kept them going through all the failures and accidents and explosions (although explosions are what would keep me going) to push on to victory.
Determination/Dedication
I would be no less than completely surprised if any one of the scientists I mentioned didn't have absolute passion for what they were doing. Every time I think of the structure of DNA or the wiring of the brain or the organization of the cosmos, I think, Whoever did this much work thinking this up must have had a reason for it. I can't comprehend the kind of passion it would take to stir a pot of radioactive radium for a full day without stopping, try 605 failed medications for curing syphilis before finding one that actually worked, try thousands of ways to light a coiled filament (yes, I know he stole from Tesla), or many of the other spectacular feats of perseverance that famous scientists have come to be known for. I could never do that. I got frustrated enough trying to get only the stupid heading to this paragraph to be bolded and the rest of it in normal type (oh yeah, I'm also terrible with technology). What these scientists must have realized in the course of their work was that they were truly connected to something greater, and trivialities such as fatigue, frustration, and failure should not, could not, and would not deter them. They were truly inspired. I don't believe that science disproves or ever has disproven the existence of God; in fact, I am firmly convinced of quite the contrary (a belief which I could and may possibly write a whole entire other post about). I think that God, being the creator of all worlds and all the glorious, beautiful science that governs them, truly wants us to understand just how He was able to do the things he did, or at least to the puny extent that we can in this life. He wants us to understand science, and I believe many of the people I have mentioned were either directly or indirectly inspired by Him to conduct and formulate the marvelous and wonderful experiments and ideas they did.
Unrivalled Cognitive Abilities
Yeah, I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. If you've ever heard about Bloom's taxonomy of cognitive learning (thanks to Matt Veibell and McKay Easton for letting me in on the wonders of this thing), you'll know that the top two tiers of the pyramid are evaluation and synthesis (it is currently contested as to which should be at the top; even I haven't really decided which is cognitively greater). Every great scientist who has ever lived has possessed one or (usually) both of these attributes to some great extent. Evaluation is the process of critically judging material that has been submitted in the past and making a claim as to its validity. It is what makes science self-correcting. Synthesis is the process of making entirely new ideas out of almost nothing. It is what advances science and allows us to have new ideas about the world. Of course, both of these processes can result in completely dumbfounded and bullheaded ideas, such as that of Venus being an offshoot of Jupiter and causing such cosmological anomalies as the prolonging of the days around Jesus' birth or the lengthening of the days in the Israelites' battle with the Amalekites (not sure if I got the tribe right on that one). Seriously, there was an actual theory about this. Watch Carl Sagan's Cosmos TV series if you don't believe me. So science can create some stupid ideas from some pretty confused people. But the funny thing is, that's not the problem. As Carl Sagan says of this theory in his TV series, the problem isn't that this idea is completely stupid and wrong. The problem is that people rejected it at face value without any proof or evidence. The fascinating thing about science (one of them, anyway) is that ideas can be made that sound completely illogical and indefensible, and still be right. Scientists laughed and ridiculed at Galileo's proposal of a sun-centered solar system just as much as the Venus-child-of-Jupiter theory probably was (maybe even moreso). But Galileo was RIGHT! Everything he said sounded absolutely wrong in his time, but we know it today to be accurate and descriptive of how the solar system really works. Such are the possible results of the synthesis process. What evaluation brings to science is that it takes these ideas, compares them to the data that is present, and refines or rejects the theory with respect to its validity. Evaluation is what threw out the Venus idea and accepted the Galilean model for the solar system. One caveat to this point, though, is that it MUST be done with evidence. Evaluation without evidence is just what happens when people try to judge scientific theories without any justification. Evaluation without evidence is what Sagan said was wrong. It's a slow, tedious process, but we must learn to accept that judging theories relies crucially upon the interpretation of empirical evidence (although I believe this applies more to science than to more aesthetic matters like philosophy and religion). Evaluation and synthesis require the highest of minds to execute. Think of the ingenuity and inspiration it must take to create something out of nothing! How did Newton think of gravity? How did Boltzmann and others think of entropy? How did Einstein think of relativity? Essentially, they had the minds able to comprehend such complex processes, and the imaginations necessary to entertain such impressions.
Luck
Yep...not much I can say about this. (Insert cheesy smile and thumbs-up sign here.) Maybe if you carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain, you can break the curse that your no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather put on your family and finally develop the breakthrough recipe for Sploosh that you've been working on for years (and I truly hope somebody got that reference, or I just looked really stupid). I will say, though, that patience is an important part to having luck. Luck comes to everyone eventually, it just takes longer for some than it does for others. Patience is a principle that is pretty thoroughly tied to dedication and perseverance in that all of them require passion, so I'll leave it alone for now.
INSPIRATION
God gives valuable knowledge to more than just prophets. Although it could be considered that these scientists were a kind of prophet in themselves. As I said before, I believe science couldn't be more in agreement with religion. And I think that many of the scientists I've mentioned believe this way too. I think it's an unfair stereotype to write all physicists off as atheists just because they believe in the Big Bang, or to write all biologists off as agnostic just because they believe in evolution. I think that the Big Bang and evolution are both plausible and supportable ideas that accurately explain many things, and I still believe in God. Science is one of those things that's religiously neutral, just as a white paper viewed behind colored cellophane wrapping; it changes based on your perspective. An atheist could use science just as easily to support his negation of God's existence as I could to support my affirmation of God's existence. It neither proves nor disproves that there is truly a God. I believe that science is in accordance with religion because my whole life has been a background in religion, but if I had a different background I may believe otherwise (although I am thankful that I did not...and I think I could write another blog post about this too). Basically, I think that no one can ever completely destroy or affirm God in his mind at this stage of life. No one can ever fully embrace doubt, neither can they completely get rid of it in mortality. I like to think (and yes, I'm going out on a limb here) that most of the theories that scientists came up with were based on the belief that something made all this. Maybe not necessarily God, but something. And that something is what pushed them. That something is what kept them going through all the failures and accidents and explosions (although explosions are what would keep me going) to push on to victory.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Praying for the past
So I got this random awesome idea while reading the scriptures one day. I was reading about how the Lamanites were losing many of their sons and daughters because they were dissenting and joining the Gadianton robbers and stuff. I kind of felt sorry for them, and then I had this thought: Why don't you pray for them? The very next thought I had was, Am I seriously allowed to do that?!?! So I did. I also figured that as long as I'm praying for them, I might as well pray for Nephi and Captain Moroni and Jesus suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane. It felt strange praying for things that I already knew the outcome of, and sometimes I wondered whether my prayer was actually changing anything because it was in the past. But I kept it from being completely awkward by using something I learned from my Book of Mormon teacher last semester. One of my favorite lectures of his was how God sees all things in the present, even though temporally it seems to be divided into past, present, and future for us. He talked about Mormon compiling a second set of records for a purpose that he did not know, and the purpose was that Martin Harris would lose the 116 pages of the Book of Lehi that contained important doctrine for the Lord's people in the last days. The professor did an amazing job of demonstrating how the Lord can move through time just as easily and deliberately as we can move through space. One thing I learned from this is that we should never doubt things that don't make sense to us, even if they are never even reconciled in our lifetime. Think about Mormon. He was commanded to make a second set of plates, and the reason for that (for us, at least) would not come to pass for thousands of years! Another thing that is made possible by the Lord's ability to see all things as one is that cause and effect can be completely inverted. Think about it. Martin Harris's losing the 116 pages was the cause, which came about 1500 years after the effect: Mormon compiling a second set of records. I don't see how there's any room for doubt about the fact that the Lord's ways are higher than ours, because we don't exactly have the ability to see all things in the present, much less change them. We as God's children must learn to accept all things that happen to us, however unfair or confusing they may seem, because even though we may never find the reason for it in this life, there is ALWAYS a reason, and learning to align our will with God's is just one of the things that we can do to show our love to Him.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The most enlightening TV Series ever made
I have recently finished watching Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" TV series on Youtube (here: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=92A4742FE9A6AA8C). It's mainly about astronomy and the planets and such, but there's so much more. Sagan begins by outlining a history of astronomy and how the discipline came to be studied and expanded. Eventually the series comes to address our place in the cosmos and how the human race plays a role in everything around us. It is a masterful fusion of science and art blended into one profound experience. I urge you all to watch it as it is universally applicable (literally) and contains one of the most passionate and dedicated scientists ever to walk this earth. I love science, and I love how Carl Sagan is able to explain it in a way that is both understandable for laymen and contemplative for the elite. I truly believe he was inspired to have an insatiable curiosity for the cosmos and how the universe really worked, and had the dedication to follow after that passion until the day he died.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Stating the obvious...because we all should sometimes
I really can't believe I've been fooled with this so long, so I'm putting this up in hopes of those who read it to see past the deception. C.S. Lewis, in his book The Screwtape Letters as the voice of senior devil Screwtape, explains that followers of the devil gain much more success from keeping things out than from putting things in, and I see the truth of that statement now as I have previously been a victim of this tactic. Although it's always been something that I've known, I have allowed myself to have been kept from the knowledge that we are definitely not put on this earth just to prove our righteousness to the Lord. Granted, that is a large part of our earth life and very important, but it will never be the only part of our mission (especially as we get closer and closer to the last days). We truly are part of the generation that has been held back for the final battle, the penultimate players in the great war for our souls. Because of this, we have an everlasting responsibility to ensure salvation not only for ourselves, but for the people in this world who did not have the opportunity to grow up in the Gospel. And in many cases, we are failing, myself included. I've gotten so caught up in being righteous just for the sake of being righteous that I've forgotten what I was supposed to be doing along with that. I believe that it's much easier for the devil to keep one righteous soul from converting others than to actually corrupt and defile that one. Satan knows that many of God's children on the earth today are so strong and pure that he is wasting his energy trying to bring them down. I'm not saying that we are immune to Satan's deceptions, but I believe that his efforts are much more effectively spent keeping these righteous people from sharing the Gospel with others. Why try to defile one steadfast child of God when it would be so much easier to keep thousands of others in darkness? It would be much more proprietary for Satan to tempt us to be idle (and oh, how simple that can be) so that we never get around to fulfilling our divine mission. It makes sense that Satan would try to get the children of God to be righteous, but be too afraid to tell anybody of their church. The problem is that the devil has convinced us that righteousness is limited to abstaining from conscious sin and what we believe to be "wrong", and those who fall under this deception (myself included) forget that a large part of righteousness is actually doing right! For the most part, people like me are fairly adept at not doing the things we know we shouldn't do, but that's only half the battle. The biggest flaw in my life is not that I'm doing too much wrong, it's that I'm not doing nearly enough right. The adversary has convinced me to be idle and passive enough to neglect temple work when I live a mere five minutes from the nearest temple, shun service when the opportunities are nearly forcing themselves upon me (especially here at BYU), and shy away from missionary work when I should be seeing and jumping at the chance of sharing this beautiful gospel with another. I hate that I was so stupid to be fooled like that! I used to wonder why parents could be punished for the sins of their children if they neglected to teach them, or why idle missionaries are blamed for the wrongs of the people that they could have converted if they had only tried, but it's so obvious now. Our potential consists of so much more than just going to earth, keeping the commandments, and leaving. It's as if the Lord was staring me straight in the face and saying, "You could have brought hundreds, no, thousands of My beloved sons and daughters back into the fold and you just sat back and did NOTHING?!?! Have you no regard at all for your brothers and sisters? Why have you failed Me?" And, of course, I will have nothing to say because I know it is all true. I don't want to be the person that the Lord has to chastise because I could have done more, so much more. I don't want to stand face to face with the person I kept seeing lonely on the sidewalk but did nothing and hear them weep because I was too busy with other things to show them how beautiful and true the Book of Mormon is. I don't want to stand at the judgement bar and hear the question, "Did you do your very best?" and have to hang my head in shame because I know that I didn't do half of what I could have. I could not handle the guilt. I'm only glad that I realized this deception this late in the game, because if I never had found this out, I shudder to think of what might happen to me and to so many innocent others. But it's over now. I can no longer say that I didn't know my responsibility; and, indeed, I shouldn't have been able to back then. I know my mission, and the only thing left to do now is to pursue it until the great Jehovah shall say, "The work is done."
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