Do-over

Ha. This one is actually relatively short.

Lately I've been having very realistic and vivid dreams about experiences I've had in college. I hate them. I hate them because they're wonderful, and they continually remind me of everything I miss about college. The other night, I had the most amazing and therefore mockingly malicious dream yet. I dreamed that I went back in time to the first day of college. The worst thing wasn't what I actually did in the dream; in fact, that part of it was quite irrelevant (except the ward social part). The thing I hated the most (after I awoke, that is) was that I was there again, with all the knowledge, experiences, and memories from my life at BYU. I attended the ward opening social, which was painful for two reasons. First, I never attended the social in real life. Second, I already knew EVERYONE. I wanted to much to grab someone by the shoulders and say, "You are AMAZING! I know and love you like family and I want to spend as much time as I can with each and every one of you." Of course, this would have been pretty creepy and disturbing, so I didn't. When I went back home, I reflected on the fantastic situation I was in. I could participate in all the ward activities I had missed, and relive with joy the ones I already had. I could spend more time with my friends, serve more, date more, live more instead of spending lonely Saturdays watching Cosmos and TED talks on my laptop. And then the most beautiful (and later torturous) part of the dream came. I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord in endless gratitude for the marvelous opportunity I had been blessed with. I thanked Him that I could have a chance to do it right this time, and not waste time thinking about my welfare. I looked forward with boundless excitement to the world of possibilities before me.

And then I woke up. I realized with regret that the reality I had just left wasn't reality after all. I wished that I could be back there, to have the ability to navigate the constant, unidirectional stream we know as time. I almost felt like I deserved the right to fix my mistakes and give more of myself to others at the expense of the space-time continuum, but then I remembered. We don't deserve anything. We're already deeply in debt as it is. I could make all kinds of hackneyed phrases about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, or cliched assertions that I won't take anything for granted. Heck, it's probably even cliched now to say that it's cliched. I don't know what I could say know that hasn't already been said about this, but I learned my lesson. For the rest of you, I'll just end with a quote from Calvin & Hobbes:

"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"

BYU 65th Ward (or college in general)

I had a fantastic year at college, and I wouldn't feel truly grateful without writing something to thank all the people that made it what it was. I know it would be more meaningful to do this in person, but it would probably end up too long, inconvenient, and awkward. I hope I don't forget anybody in this, but if I did, send me hate mail and I'll acknowledge your inevitable wonderfulness. Here goes.

First and perhaps most important, I want to thank everyone who was involved with the Spring Sing (especially Kaelie Pellegrini, without which it may not have existed): Jason Gabbitas, Sarah Johnson, Danny Hansen, Amy Perez, Karmila Saulong, Rachel Ostler, "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, TJ Willard, Conley Weston, Emily Crouch, Katy Dallon, Sarah Bade, Steven Brown, Isaac Lyman (for a while anyway), Aubrey Jones, Adam Lee, Sarah Ellsworth, Mark Johnson, Justin Shattuck, Chris Brown, Debbie Smith, Nolan Blackhurst, Austin Vach (mostly :P), and Bro. Carlson for lending us his house, his garage, and quite possibly his sanity. I think I got everybody. For those of you who don't know (which is probably everyone because I don't think I told anybody about this), the Spring Sing was undoubtedly the most fun and amazing experience I've had my entire freshman year at BYU. I am so glad to have been a part of it, and I can't even say how much it changed me. We truly connected during all this (at least I feel that we did), and we pulled out a GREAT performance (Amy, be quiet. You were awesome too). I felt like I really got to know some people that I may not have otherwise, and I love you all the more for it. Thank you.

Second, my fabulous roommates, Ryan Lopez and Austin Vach (and Kaleo Li first semester). Ryan, I've known you for a long time, but there's just something about being roommates that makes you get to know each other like you never have before (in good ways and bad...heh heh). I know that you'll be a wonderful missionary in Chile and that you already are a strong, valiant son of God. Thank you for putting up with my rugged insolence and my philosophical ramblings when I kind of could tell you didn't really want to. Kaleo, you were and are HILARIOUS. And you are very intelligent. Although our musical tastes rarely agreed with each other, I always thought it was funny to watch you jumping on the couch and singing Katy Perry. Or taking a shower and singing Katy Perry. Or making Ramen and singing Katy Perry and burning yourself. You'd better tell me where you're going on a mission, or I'm hunting you down! Austin, you made this semester a lot of fun for me. I'm pretty sure me and you combined know every single song ever. I loved singing/screaming Defying Gravity with you, even if you weren't willing to do it for Ward Prayer. And breaking bottles is DEFINITELY going to be a rite of passage for any and all of my future roommates. But I will always remember you were the first stud to be brave/stupid enough to do it. And the last...anyway, thank you all for what you've brought to my life. I'm not going to bear my testimony of you, because that would be cheesy and also awkward, but you are awesome.

Next, I want to thank my amazing neighbors Nolan Blackhurst, Andrew Beckett, Jacob Roberts (first semester) and Kaleo Li (second semester). You guys are SO. MUCH. FUN. to be around, and I enjoyed every time I came over to your apartment because I was bored. Nolan, thanks for introducing me to Nitro Circus, Relient K, Owl City, and many other awesome things. And fixing my bike. Multiple times. For no charge. Good luck in Phoenix! Andrew, I don't have anything specific to thank you for, but you're an all-around great friend and I really respect you. Orlando isn't going to know what hit them. You're going to be a fantastic missionary. Jacob, I love your craziness and hyper...ness. You could always make me laugh, no matter what you did (even if it was hitting my head on the ceiling). I'm sure you're having an awesome time in Greece and being a great missionary. Kaleo, I already talked about you. But you're still awesome. TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR MISSION!!! Also, I want to thank my vertical neighbors, Mark Johnson, Jace Norton, and Fei Li. Mark, I love how you just walked in to wherever you wanted and pretended like it was home. I wish I could have let you do that more, but Ryan was being paranoid and always locked the door. Jace, you're pretty much good at everything. Seriously. I loved having you as a choir director, and you are...very...humorous. And I got you SO GOOD with the April Fool's joke. Ha ha. I'm sorry you didn't get to fulfill your dream of covering all of Guatemala with our ward, but I'm pretty sure you'll convert every one of them anyway. Fei, I didn't know you very well, but from what I heard you're a pretty awesome guy. By the way, thanks for getting me to quit drumming on everything. My studying actually went a lot better after that. :)

Next, my wonderful FHE groups. First semester: Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, Danielle Hanks, Jenna Rasmussen, Bri Smith, Natalie Grigg, Kristy..........what's-her-last-name, Corbin Stott, Tyler Mickelson, Tyler Madsen, and my apartment. Second semester: Sarah Bade, Mary Kremer, Katrina Slaugh, Aubrey Jones, Allie Bowen, Emily Horn, Addison & Hayden Smith, Devin SANTA CLAUS, and Daniel "Indie" Carlson (yep, that's your middle name now. I just decided that). Thank you for all the great times we had together and all the fun things we did. First semester FHE group, thanks for all the creative ideas for fun stuff that we came up with, even if they didn't always work. And I'd like to extend a personal apology to Sarah Johnson for the Skittle game....no one should have to go through something like that. :) Second semester: We had an AWESOME skit. I loved being Hitler, and everyone else did a wonderful job as well. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to introduce Werewolf to my college friends, and will you please STOP KILLING ADDISON ALREADY! (You're welcome, Addison). Feel free to deprive him of voting as much as you want, though.

Next, the great friends I've had during college that I haven't thanked already (most of which are also in my ward). Barry West, I totally thought you were some manly kind of guy (and you are), but over the course of the year you became more of a gentle giant personality to me. I LOVED your testimonies, some of the things you said were just so cute (sorry, I couldn't think of a better word for it). Amanda Hixon and Katie Zavoral, thank you for having the best birthday parties that I have attended in my life. They were most excellent. "Grandpa" Jacob Cloward, thank you for being quite possibly the most awesome storyteller/Scar/ANYTHING ever. You stole the show in the Spring Sing (in a good way) and Storytime was nothing less than epic. You REALLY need to consider being a voice actor someday, because you are AMAZING at it. Ryan "Timmy" Barrett and Andrew Keller, thanks for being my Book of Mormon buddies and a wonderful home teacher/home student, respectively. And the date was awesome, too. Even if the Shopko people teamed up on us. Amy Perez and Karmila Saulong, thank you for being the fun and happy people you were this year. I could never be unhappy around you two, and you brought joy everywhere you went. And Amy, once I try that caramel apple, I'll tell you how it is. But I already know it's yummy. Rachel Ostler, you are a SPECTACULAR violin player, and no, I can't say that enough times. Thank you for inviting me to your recital. Don't EVER give up on music, because you're just too dang talented to justify doing that. Cory Finlinson, thank you for being an awesome home teacher and for the awesome date you hooked me up with. :) New Zealand is going to be AMAZING. I would say that I'm jealous, but my mission is going to be awesome too. So...yeah. Jason Gabbitas and Danny Hansen, thank you for letting me burst in your door whenever I wanted and sometimes also eat your food. Jason, I love your sarcastic comedic style, and although there were awkward times when I tried to copy you and it completely failed, it was fun to try anyway. Danny, you were a wonderful sidekick in the Spring Sing and it was a lot of fun acting with you. Your Hebrew is great, and I'll bet everybody in Oregon is going to love having a leprechaun preach the gospel to them (sorry...I couldn't resist). Sarah Johnson, Katy Dallon, and Danielle Hanks, thanks for all the fun we had doing stuff. Mostly playing Hand and Foot. And Nerts. And Phase 10. Bwahahahaha. Blake Swapp, thank you for being an AMAZING home teaching companion. 100% FOREVER!!! And you know, even though I may have beat you at the dessert-making competition, I'm pretty sure you would own me in a main-dish-making competition. Chase Swapp, thank you for being a phenomenal Elder's Quorum President. You did a fantastic job, and the first time you bore your testimony last semester in Elder's Quorum as the new president, I knew that you were the one. I guess. That may have sounded weird, but whatever. Elisabeth Kaseda, I'm glad that you heard about me so many times in such a short time period, otherwise we may still not have known each other. I had tons of fun at our date to the Men's Chorus, and I'd love to do stuff with you whenever you would like (hooray for both living in Utah!!!). Michael with the red hair, I still don't know your last name. Hopefully I will when you add me as a friend on Facebook :). Thanks for having such an optimistic attitude about life and being such a happy person all the time. Well, those are all the people I can think of at the moment, but I may add to this list.

Finally, to the people I never knew but could have/should have gotten to know during the previous months. Our ward was amazing, and the number of people that I wish I knew better (or at all) is much higher than I'd care to admit. I really loved this ward, and I feel more like I'm leaving home than returning to it. I'm sure that's how I'll feel about my mission as well (Birmingham Alabama for those who haven't heard), but it's always a bittersweet feeling. I just hope I'll be able to listen to the Circle of Life again without having severe fits of nostalgia.

But probably not.

Ohhh...a social life...riiiight...

I've never really been a social person. Don't get me wrong; I've gotten more socially involved over the years, but I still am not what you would call outgoing. In elementary school, I was the kind of kid that didn't care what other people thought about him, happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world. I just did what I felt like doing, regardless of whether it seemed smart/appropriate. In junior high, though, I did retract a lot socially, mostly because I was going to a new environment and also partially because I think that's part of teenage life and finding your identity and stuff. I did learn to open myself up after a while though, and by ninth grade I was almost normal again. During my sophomore year, though, I went right back to the way I was. I went back to Lone Peak with all the friends that I hadn't been seeing for three years (because I went to American Fork Junior High), and it seemed like I didn't know anybody anymore. The atmosphere seemed really intimidating (probably due to my own fears far more than reality), and I was afraid to make contact with other people. However, by the time senior year rolled around, I was socially functional once again. As good as I got, however, I never really was one of those people that always went to every dance, was on the student council, and was involved with every club, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I just wasn't the kind of person that was always involved with social activities. I had a lot of friends, but there were only a few that I really spent a lot of time with, most of which were in my ward or lived nearby (or my Dorchester second family, best street in the world). I never really got the "group of friends" idea, and I preferred (and still do prefer) one-on-one or minimal amounts of people far more than being in a huge circle of people talking to each other. This didn't really seem like a problem, and it probably wasn't, until I came here to college. Saturdays here are what opened my eyes to just how lonely I am. Usually if I stay at college on Saturdays, I really have nothing to do and no one to do anything with (and having roommates that are never here doesn't really help either, but I don't blame them for it). These lonely Saturdays are what helped me see the importance of actually having a social life and going around and doing things with people (even if your most sophisticated mode of transportation is a somewhat-defective bike). A positive side effect of this, however, is that I am far more inclined to go on dates with people because I seriously have NOTHING BETTER TO DO on the weekends. That doesn't mean that I only date people to fill up otherwise empty time in my day, but it is a pleasantly convenient side effect. So far I have learned two major things in college. The first is academic: college is A LOT more about knowing the material than turning in assignments on time, which is harder for me but necessary. Second, that once you're out on your own, having nothing to do and no one to do it with is really hard sometimes. I'm really enjoying the International Cinema and watching Carl Sagan's cosmos and TED talks on Youtube, but those are things that only involve me. Me and a stolid, deaf computer screen. It's not enough. It may be educational and entertaining, but social interaction is one of the basest needs of human nature, and I've been neglecting it. And maybe I'm so socially disinclined that it's taken Saturdays full of empty voids of time to make me realize that I need to get involved. I need to get out more and serve people and be in organizations and committees and whatever it takes so that my prime form of entertainment does not involve myself and a technological device. I feel like Scotty Smalls in the Sandlot having his mom tell him to go out and get in trouble and make friends. I've been too absorbed in myself and doing things that make me happy that I forgot how vital it is to serve others and give of myself. This last Tuesday, Walter F. Gonzalez came to give a devotional about bravery in service, and it opened my eyes to how easy it was to be self-serving in college. And now I finally realize how starved you become living a lifestyle like that. It sustains you for a while, but eventually you start needing people, needing things to do and things to give so that you don't feel like you're simply living as if nobody else exists. I don't blame anybody for the position I'm in; it's me that needs to get out more and do things with people. Not just on Facebook or Blogspot, but face to face. Person to person. Together.

Choices and Opportunities

College has created some ambiguous situations for me. So, basically all throughout high school I was planning to be some kind of family practitioner doctor guy when I grew up. I was fairly solidified with this plan and had some uncertainty, but I figured that once I learned more about the profession in college I would be able to make a more informed and specific decision. The second part of this was true, but what I didn't expect was that the longer I have been in college, the harder it has been to make a decision about what my major/occupation should be and where my future should go. I still think I'm going to take a job in health care somewhere, but after my Intro to Health Professions class I am completely baffled as to what I'm going to do. I've looked a lot into music therapy, mostly because of my love for all things music/psychology/neurology. Especially after reading the books "Awakenings" and "Musicophilia" by Oliver Sacks and "This is Your Brain on Music" by Daniel Levitin (basically the most amazing book I have ever read, besides the scriptures). I absolutely devour everything related to music, psychology, or neurology that I come across, because those topics are of extremely high levels of interest to me. I don't know what kind of job opportunities are in music therapy, but I do know that it's one of the topics that interests me most. After attending a fireside today on personal revelation, I took up the matter with the Lord. A lot of what I learned in that fireside is that most of what we ask the Lord is never returned as an answer, mostly because He wants us to gain knowledge and experience. During the next few weeks (or months, or however long it takes), I'm really going to think about what I want to do in my life and what my earthly mission is. I don't know if I will be going the right way when I choose a path, but two things I learned tonight are: first, that the Lord heard my prayer. I don't know how I know, and I don't know if He will answer it, but I do know He heard me. Second, I know that Heavenly Father will never let me go down the wrong path without telling me so, and I know He can always help me (or anyone) return home if we are only willing to accept his guidance and counsel. As for now, I will be watching.